I’m writing this from 30,000 feet [according to the pilot, who also informed me of the current visibility, as if I care] crammed in the middle seat of a 737 en route to Maui for nine days of vacation. This assignment is literally the last thing tethering me to reality before I slip into a utopian haze of mai tais, pina coladas and any other fruity drink that comes with an umbrella, a hangover and just a little bit of shame when you order them.
In my current state of mind it didn’t seem right to answer real questions from concerned citizens about two-strokes and air forks and why red-heads are such good riders. That would be like asking Hunter S. Thompson his thoughts on child immunizations or airport security while he was two hours into a road trip to Vegas with some of his poker buddies and a bottle of really good absinthe and some mushrooms. With that in mind, here’s a fake version of vacation-themed Ask Ping.
[Disclaimer: These are not real questions and I may or may not have already had two cocktails. Three actually.]
I’m thinking about taking a vacation. Life is hard, you know. I’m always expected to win races and people always want my autograph whenever I’m out chillin. Plus, I like to put tiger stripes on my bulldog and that sh!t takes a long time! I don’t have time to drive my lambo and I want to golf with my boys on the PGA and post up some Rick James Stewart videos on social media. So I was thinking about not turning in this paperwork to WADA for this Adderall stuff that I have a prescription for and see what happens. My guess is they’ll make me sit out the nationals and I’ll be good to go for next supercross season.. perfect! I know you give legit advice and whatnot so I’m hittin’ you up. Whatchu think?
[Dated March of 2014]
I feel you, dog. I don’t want to live in a world where there is no time to drive Lambos. And it is incredibly rude of people to constantly barrage you with autograph requests. I think you are doing an excellent job of juggling your busy schedule. Now, about this Adderall thing—you might want to reconsider. These fools at WADA are not playing around. I watched them crawl up Lance Armstrong’s rear end and pick his career apart over his PED usage. That’s just my two cents. If you really want a vacation you should book a flight to Maui after the last national and ask for the complimentary mai tai once onboard. And then just continue to order them until you can’t feel your face. It’s working for me. Anyway, I love your dog’s stripes so I hope you find time to keep him tightened up. Good luck with the short forced vacation.
Let me run this by you: Instead of dealing with the pressure of racing supercross and motocross here in the States this year, what if I signed up for the GPs and spent the season getting paid stupid money to vacation all over the world on Youthstream’s dime? I think I could still handle the Euros on the weekends but even if I can’t I’ll be cruising through Thailand, Europe and, uh, Mexico I guess. Anyway, it seems like it might be a fun way to see the world and I’m totally over dirt bike racing for the most part so what do you think?
[Dated September 2014]
What’s up, Ryan? Wow, GPs, huh? I honestly haven’t followed them closely since Everts retired, but that sounds like it might be cool. I’m sure Monster will open their wallet pretty good to make that happen and you get to visit exotic locales like Brazil and… Guadalajara? Wait, maybe we should think this through. Cairoli is pretty bad ass and there are some other dudes who could really be fast on those tracks. And what if some French kid who came from the mean streets of supermoto burst onto the scene and whipped everybody? Hahaha, lol, nah, that won’t happen. Anyway, I would be careful. If this thing doesn’t work out according to plan it could be a real PAIN IN THE ASS. Sense the foreshadowing and play on words.
Cheers, mate. I’m getting old, not nearly as old as you, but still I’ve blown out a few candles in my day. My race team went tits up and I’m trying to figure out if I should pack it all in and call it good while I’ve got my health or scrape something together and have another go at it in 2016. Do I grind out another season or go on a permanent vacation? I appreciate the advice, though I’ll probably just do want I want unless Ellie tells me different.
Yeah, tough call, man. On the one hand you are getting pretty long in the tooth. On the other hand you always seem to pull it together when the gate drops and make it happen. I’m a big fan of pros and cons lists, so let’s make one.
- Could win more races and move ahead of RV on all-time win list with three more wins.
- Could make more money.
- Could sign some boobs in the pits. [Note to Chad: Don’t show Ellie this list.]
- Could lose money.
- Could get hurt.
- Could NOT win races.
Hmmmm, it’s looking pretty close here. It basically comes down to whether or not you are willing to chance getting hurt to sign more boobs in the pits. That’s a decision I just can’t make for you. I’d check in with your wife and do what makes you happy. Just don’t mention the boob signing.
Have a real question for Ping? Hit him up at firstname.lastname@example.org.