Ask Ping

Ping,

Brett from Racer X Canada mentioned you are going be the first pro to step up at Calgary this weekend and donate a signed jersey to help James Marshall. Although I know your heart is in the right place and you are helping James, I couldn’t help but wonder: Being an ex-factory racer and living in a castle, etc., you must have tons of jerseys. Now that you are just a retired celebrity posing for pictures, cutting ribbons, and eating Cap'n Crunch and Twinkies, do any of your jerseys still fit? I know the new style is hipster pants and short tops showing belly, but I don't think that look is you. Maybe we could get you to bring a couple signed jerseys for James. Canada is Pingree-crazy, and much of Canada has been renamed after you:
    Pingreeland
    Pingston
    Pingtario
    Pingalingville
    Pingcouver
    All the best, David. See you at the Calgary National
Greg Symbaluk

Dear Greg,
I am indeed stepping up to help James because that is what David Pingree does; he helps people. David Pingree also speaks in the third person like any self-centered, egomaniacal, self-important quasi-celeb/baseball player does. And he will donate whatever he has, including his stank underwear, at the end of the race day if it will help James in his recovery. So Greg, if you want to stop by the Morgan Yamaha race truck, David Pingree would love to shake your hand and say hello. He likes to keep it real that way. Pingree out.
P.S. Where, exactly, is Pingalingville?
PING

Ping,
Since you have retired from racing, we have heard you babble on about being so out of shape that you get winded getting up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Your pal Denny Stephenson has mentioned during the SX broadcasts your Twinkie-and-Mountain Dew diet (not an exact quote) during the peak of your career. And it’s hard to miss your rotund, spherical body in the pages of Racer X Illustrated. My point? I think it’s all a farce. We, your fans, have been hoodwinked! Bamboozled, even. I was watching the Nate Adams episode of First Hand on Fuel TV and he was complaining about a three-hour bike ride you took him on. Are you as out of shape as a 12-year-old Chinese contortionist that you have lead us to believe? Or have you been secretly training behind our backs? I suppose you are going to use your break from the OLN MX broadcasts to compete in the Tour de France now (though for your sake, I hope Shae Bentley isn’t racing it, too).
Kris Vancers. Chandler AZ

Dear Kris,
I may have misspoken when I said I was out of shape. Round is definitely a shape, and for that lapse in judgment, I apologize. I did get a little carried away and take Nate and a few of our buddies on a ride that may or may not have been the exact distance of one leg of the Tour de France. It was hot and a little windy and when I got back to my house I fell face-first onto my living room floor and didn’t move for about 14 hours. Sometimes I make the mistake of thinking that I’m still a “professional athlete,” and when I try to do the things I used to as a racer, well, I wind up face-down in my Berber carpet. Don’t worry, Kris, I still have love handles and just a hint of jiggly little man-boobs. Man, David Pingree needs to do something about that. And you, pal, are totally out of line with that Shae Bentley comment—what are you trying to do, put me back in rehab?
PING

Hey Ping,
I hear you are coming back to Canada to race the Calgary national. I hope you brushed up on your French over the past two years, because that's all they speak there. Pack some heavy clothes as well, because it will only be June, so there may be snow squalls. A toque under your helmet is the hot ticket and don't worry, they serve poutine at the track, so don't worry about grabbing breakfast on your way. Hope to see you there!
John. Ukkusiksalik National Park, Nunavut

Dear John,
What? They speak French in Calgary? Are you sure? I grew up in the bordering state of Montana, and I don’t recall anyone from there speaking with an Inspector Clouseau accent. I notice you are from some place called Nunavut. Where the hell is that? I mean, I can’t even say the name of that national park without laughing. It sounds like … well, never mind. Anyhoo, I’ll bring a beanie in case it gets chilly and a few granola bars to stave off any hunger pangs. But I’ll leave that poutine crap for you Frenchies. See you there.
PING