My girlfriend of 6 years is 15 years older than me and she has a son who is 3 years younger than me. So, she is 41 and he is 23. Besides how weird it is, he seems pretty cool about it. He thinks it’s cool I ride and I rock out Supercross and Outdoors over gay ball sports. Well, a lot has changed since I lost my job. I've been spending more time at home and such. About two weeks ago, HIS girlfriend stopped by the house to get something she had left. Well, we started talking and next thing I know, Bam, we’re naked and, well, you know. I don't know how we ended up like that but it happened. Now she wants a relationship with me. What do I do? Do I trade in the old for some new OR do I stick around to see how bad it can get when they find out?
Thanks for your help Ping,
SuzOOki
Dear SuzOOki,
I’ll keep this short and sweet: Call Jerry Springer and get on his program. You are a dumbass.
PING
Hello David,
I was at the infamous Hangtown national in 1991 and did something that day I would come to regret; here I am twenty years later and it's something I still think about. Being a thieving dirtbag teenager was my specialty back then and I had been into motocross for a few years. Anyway, after the race had ended and I was walking back to the parking lot and noticed a helmet sitting on the tailgate of a truck...and stole it. Yep, I stole from a fellow rider, such a disgraceful act in retrospect. At that time, I had already been stealing all sorts of stuff for a few years; little did I know this one would end up being one of the most humiliating. For years I've wanted to meet the person I stole from and apologize, as well as offer a replacement. The odds of finding the person is probably one in a million after this much time, but I'd love any help I could get. With motocross being a fairly tight-knit community, I was hoping you might ask anyone you knew from the era? I doubt there were too many helmets stolen that day, but I'll withhold details for the time being.
Thank you,
Mike
Dear Mike,
I think we all did things as teenagers that we regret. In the case of the guy in question #1, sometimes we still do those things when we are 26. I think it’s classy that you are coming out with it and trying to make the situation right. I’m not sure if the poor helmet-less bastard whose spirit you broke that day reads this column, but if he does, perhaps he’ll send me an email. I will, in turn, get him in touch with you so he can verbally berate you for your juvenile behavior all those years ago. And then maybe, just maybe, you can start to forgive yourself. Or if it was a rider who became famous later on maybe you could get him to sign it and then sell it on eBay for a handsome profit? Capitalism is what makes this country great, after all. And if your conscience won’t allow you to keep the money, I’d like to suggest that you make a donation to The Pingree Foundation. This organization cares for children [mine] and funds educational trips [vacations] to historically and geologically significant locales around the country [Mammoth Mountain and Montana, typically]. It’s a great cause [for me].
Thanks in advance for your donation and good luck.
PING
Senor Pingree
In your vast experience have you noticed that dudes who ride dirt bikes are more likely to produce female offspring? The majority of the daddies I know who ride consistently all have tribes of mini fembots, myself included. Our desert campsites usually run at about a 10:1 ratio of girls to boys. I have a theory that when a guy rides dirt bikes enough, his huevos are vibrated in such a way that the girl-guppies are pushed to the front of the starting gate. It may sound ridiculous, however this theory has been proven to me over and over again. Have you noticed this?
Ben F. in Vista, CA
Dear Ben,
I’ve noticed the same trend. I have two little girls to back this theory up, in fact. I always chalked it up to payback for the shenanigans I pulled with other guy’s daughters when I was in my teens and walking around with a perpetual boner. But there might be something legit to your theory. I’ve been riding for thirty years now, which is an excessive amount of vibration, and over time the wedding tackle has definitely taken some hits. After one particular stab with a Renthal 997 at the U.S. Open my man parts turned a shade of purple that I can only describe as the color that Violet Beauregarde turned in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory when she ate the three course meal gum.When you think about it, we should just be thankful that we could have kids at all, right? See you at our girls’ ballet practice, Ben.
PING
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