Cool as Hell: Classic-Fieds

Cool as Hell Classic-Fieds

May 9, 2015 8:00am

Like laughing at the funniest ads on Craigslist but don’t have the time to flip through endless listings in search of the gold? Well, that’s why there’s Craigslist Classic-fieds, the Racer X column that brings you some of the most outlandish, unique, and, well, classic, Craigslist classifieds. Enjoy, and if you have an ad you think would make a good fit here, send it over to

The Mash-Up

At first glance you’re probably thinking we named this fiery little devil the Mash-Up due to the gigantic cruiser parts that have been mounted on it. After all, from the gigantic pair of pipes (that are collecting exhaust from a single cylinder) to the flaming chopper forks to the upside down seat that looks like it might actually be covered in roadkill snakeskin, this little thing is has more foreign metal bolted to it than Jake Weimer

The title of this entry doesn’t actually refer to the bike at all, though—it’s in reference to the state of the owner’s brain, which either never developed fully or has undergone some sort of drastic mash-up. Looking at this bike is like looking at the “after” picture in those old “This is your brain on drugs” PSAs. Why else would the seller ditch the functional headlight and throw on that seat in such a way that the rider could end up with an unplanned vasectomy if he hits a speed bump with a little too much gusto? 

The Silver Lining

Ever had fuel that’s so old and full of rust you didn’t even want to put it in your lawnmower? Well, now you’ve got a place to put your foul gas that won’t offend anyone. Yes, we know that’s a stretch, but you try to come up with something nice to say about something that has even fewer redeeming qualities than a linkage-less rear suspension system!

Mini Madness

As in, you’d have to be even more bat-crap crazy than the seller of the above mash-up to even consider purchasing this mini. The scariest part is that the seat cover is off of a YZ, which means that the same genius who wrote this sales pitch—“I got a,mini bike for sell I want sum thing else so I'm selling it it need a carborator”—also owns a full-size motocross bike. I’d rather be on the road with a thousand drunk drivers on New Year’s Eve than on a motocross track with this throttle-whipping cross-jumper.  

In addition to the rear fender, carburetor, fuel cap, front number plate, and kill switch (which doesn’t matter, seeing as how this thing probably won’t ever run again anyway), this thing is missing the silencer. What’s with that? All minis seem to be missing some part of the exhaust, if not the entire thing, which always results in a machine that makes roughly the same amount of noise as a redneck’s jet boat and is somehow twice as annoying. Whether it’s my neighbor who rips down the street once every two years on his flat black Blaster to grab a twelve-pack from the corner store, or my other neighbor who used to fire up his megaphone-of-a-mini early every morning just to take his dog for a walk, you always secretly hope the ride ends with bloody palms, sprained ankles, and a snapped rear fender. 

The Silver Lining

As mentioned above, the seller likely owns a full-size motocross bike, which means he probably rides motocross from time to time. If that’s the case, we can always hope he comes up incredibly short on a huge triple, or even a quad if we’re lucky, and takes himself out of motocross’s already murky gene pool.