I am from TN and have been racing moto for 20 years. I’ve done some freestyle shows, have and love tattoos, I love big trucks, and I like fake TA-TA’s. I have been reading a lot lately about a “bro” ; including in your delightfully entertaining and insightful column. It seems as though being a “bro” is worse than being a hemorrhoid on a desert racer. What is the basis of “bro” status? Am I a “bro”? Do I need to start bending my bills and buy a Prius?
Thanks DP,
Lance
P.S. Bring supermoto back to Nashville.
Dear Lance,
I’d have to see photos to be certain but from your own description you are sounding pretty bro-ish. According to flatbillers.com and other super-sick bro sites, a bro loves all the things you mentioned plus black tee shirts, bandana headbands, clove cigarettes and pants that have no intention of covering their rear end. I’m not saying that being a bro is the absolute lamest thing that a guy could do but I will suggest that it is right up there next to marrying a stripper. Which, oddly enough, is another thing that bros think is just bro-tastic. Try adding a little curve to the bill of your hat, un-tuck your ears and buy a shirt or two that aren’t black. That’s all you have to do to get started shedding your bro lifestyle. Good luck, bro.
PING
Hello Ping,
I have been reading your online column for a long time and am looking for some no-nonsense feedback from the industries greatest mind. I am a J-Law fan, however, so don’t hold that against me. I grew up in New Jersey and it’s a NJ pride thing. Recently, Michael Phelps has been making headlines due to pictures of him with a bong and an apparent DUI issue from years ago. He has been suspended for 3 months. J-Law was recently suspended for over 6 months, for somewhat similar behavioral issues (and just suspended again). I am under the impression that you have an eye for talent, as a team manager and all, or whatever it is that you do. Is J-Law in the wrong sport? Should he become an Olympic swimmer? Does J-Law already have a competitive advantage over other swimmers based on “lung capacity”? Would his hair fit under a bathing cap?
Lastly, I see that Racer X is gave out J-Law trading cards at A3 SX. Upon learning this, I’ve become extremely depressed as I live on the East coast and obviously couldn’t attend A3. However, I will be at the Atlanta SX. Is there any way I get a J-Law trading card at the Atlanta SX? I will gladly trade whatever card Racer X gives out at Atlanta. With my luck Atlanta’s card will be someone lame, like Chad Reed. Actually, I take that back. There are lots of things I like about Chad’s home country (Red Bull, KTM’s, etc). Oh, wait, that’s Austria not Australia. Whatever. Go J-Law.
-Steve
Dear Steve,
Unfortunately, J-Law can’t “Go” because he is still suspended. And it doesn’t look like he’ll be ready for Atlanta on his 450 either. That is sad for you and for him. Regarding Michael Phelps; that guy blew it. Well, to be accurate, he inhaled it and then he blew it. This guy wins a record-setting number of medals, secures million dollar contracts with various companies to represent their products and then he gets caught on camera smoking dope at a college party. I hope that was some good stuff in that bong because it cost him seven figures, no doubt. It’s difficult to say if he’ll ever shake the scandal and move on, though another avalanche of medals in four years would help. Jeff Emig once told me that when you sign those contracts you are agreeing to be a certain kind of person and to act a certain way. They are paying you well for that service and if you can’t uphold your end of the deal then you deserve to be cut off. And Jeff speaks from experience. Now lets answer some of your J-Law questions. Jason is in the right sport. I don’t think many other traditional sports would allow the behavior that Jason and company display. His hair would look awesome in a swimming cap though. Kind of like a large poodle stuffed into a grocery bag. Stop by the Racer X booth in Atlanta and we’ll get you a J-Law card. But they might ask you to locate and identify Austria and Australia on a globe first.
PING
10 Questions for the Great David Pingree:
1. Why do people with ugly feet where flip flops?
2. Why do people with tattoos assume I want to see them? I do not assume that people want to see the man sweater on my back.
3. Why don’t they make people turn their phones off before they board the plane? That way they won’t be dropping their bag in my lap while trying to cram it in to the overhead bin while talking on their phone.
4. Is the first parking spot worth arriving at a race a week ahead of time? Isn’t the last spot closest to the exit the best parking spot?
5. Why don’t hotel lobby doors open both ways?
6. If there are two doors in the entrance of a store, why is one locked at the top and bottom? Is this just so they can laugh at the people who walk into the side that isn’t open?
7. Why do people come by our trailer and say they need free product when they are driving a custom golf cart worth more than what I make in a year?
8. How does a man that hunts for 6 months a year (Larry Ward) keep a girlfriend?
9. Do the 30-second girls wear thigh high boots because they forget to shave their legs?
10. Why doesn’t Right Guard (Gillette) have a sales person for Europe?
These are some of the questions that cause me to lay awake at night and wonder.
Sincerely,
Brian Fleck
Dear Brian,
To keep my reputation at Dunlop in good standing and to assure that Team TLD gets good traction this weekend I am going to make sure I answer all of your questions the best I can. Here goes.
1. People are dumb. Anyone selling something should remember this quote: “Nobody ever lost money underestimating the good taste of the American people.” I can’t remember who said that but it is sage advice.
2. Because tattoos are sick, bro! See also answer number one. Regarding the man sweater… yuck. I just vomited a little.
3. Because then I couldn’t talk on my phone while boarding the plane and accidentally dropping my phone in your lap.
4. Good point. Note to mini bike parents: don’t pull junior out of school on Tuesday so you can line up on Wednesday for a race that starts on Friday. That is just plain dumb. Get there late and park by the exit. Or the crapper… just as convenient.
5. Don’t have an answer for that one. Maybe just to piss you off?
6. I think so. Or just to piss you off.
7. They spent all their money on lifted golf carts… and sick tattoos!
8. I think she knows that he would hunt her down with a crossbow, stuff her and mount her over his fireplace if she left. Just a guess. Big Bird, where are you?
9. No. She does that to get attention and to make herself feel better because she has very little else to offer. 99.9% of them are pretty and dumb. And pretty dumb.
10. Seems like a wide open market, doesn’t it? They aren’t buying though, Brian. Those folks aren’t happy unless they smell like the crotch of a Tour de France cyclist’s shorts after they roll through the Champs-Elysees.
Thanks for the questions and for the great tires, Brian. Hope you can get some sleep now.
PING
