Hey, “Absolute” Ping,

I’ve read a lot of your crap over the years, and I gotta say, I like most of the comments you make, but I’m writing because I’m curious. What kind of last name is Pingree anyway? Is that of Chinese decent? Because you don’t look Chinese.

Dear ?,

The only other Ping’s I know of are the golf club manufacturer, the computer program, and the Chinese food delivery guy in the classic Seinfeld sitcoms. When people that don’t know me hear the name, they picture a small Oriental guy dragging a rickshaw through downtown Shanghai. The only reason I can think of for this word association is that when you pretend like you are speaking Chinese and you don’t know how, you always tend to throw in a few “pings” for authenticity. You know what I mean? “Ping gao do hai ping….” That doesn’t mean anything in Chinese but it kind of sounds like it does. I don’t take offense to it but I’m actually of Norwegian and Icelandic descent. Maybe I’ll start wearing a Viking helmet around to clear things up.
PING

Dear Ping,
Ping, you gotta help me man, I know we dont know each other, but i know you're just as crazy about dirtbikes and racing as much as i am; so hopefully, you'll be able to help. here's the problem: im a subscriber to quite a few magazines, Racer X ill, transworld, MXA, Dirtrider, and Dirt Bike, obviously my favorite one is RACER X. well a few months ago my father moved from san diego to Pennsylvania, and since it was in the middle part of the school year, i was unable to go. so what am i getting at? when my dad moved i had to send all my magazines over to my moms house. well long story short, my father came back so i sent all my magazines back over to his house, except for two [MXA and Dirtbike]. well my mom found out that i wasnt doing very well in school, a few Ds. so when she found out, she called me and told me that she wasnt going to give me MY magazines until i got Cs or higher. and that wouldnt be a big deal except our finals are this week. what the hell is that? sorry for the language, but that's total BS man. and no matter how hard i try, she wont give them back to me. so i dont know, may be, just may be you could give her some excuses to give them back to me. trust me, i've tried all i know. so please, OHHH PLEASE can you give her a call or something.
  oh and not to make you feel any worse, but im sorry to here about your injuries and the championship, or should i say lack there of? please read my message! and give me some advice or something...
 

Dear ?,

You want to know how to get your mags back? I can help you. It’s really not that complicated and I guarantee that it will work if you listen to me and do exactly what I tell you to. Are you paying attention? Here it is… STOP SCREWING AROUND and GET YOUR GRADES UP! All she’s asking you to do is get them up to a “C.” Do you have any idea how easy it is to be considered average, academically, in this country? If you would quit sniffing glue and pay just a little attention to what your teacher is saying I’m sure you’ll get things back to normal soon. If you are just too damn lazy to do that then you could always get an online subscription. You could tell your mom you are doing homework and read the newest issues before they even get out to subscribers. Just a thought….
I can’t believe I told you that.
PING

P.s.  I am very proud of you spelling Pennsylvania correctly. Maybe you really do have a C in you.

Dear Pingster
I'm curious.  Is the overly acidic pH of your responses due to getting your short butt kicked regularly as a youngster, bad attitude from your wife making you change too many diapers, having to live in the People's Republic of California, or what??  Irregardless, keep up the good work!
 
Dr. Snodd
Mesquite, Republic of Texas

Dear Dr. Snodd,

You sound like a character in a Dr. Seuss book. But I guess Dr. Seuss’s editors would know that irregardless isn’t a word and that would be corrected. Anyhoo, I’m not sure where my inner-cynic got its beginnings. I never got stuffed in a locker in gym class as you suggested but if someone would have tried I would have lopped their ears off with a Ginsu knife. I guess I’ve always had a short fuse. Maybe it is because I’m short. Maybe it’s because I live in California, the land of fruits and nuts. Or maybe I just don’t have a lot of patience for dumb people and writing about it is my way of coping. If you had to battle traffic every time you left the house, breathe smog daily and exist among this pretentious, trashy, self-absorbed clique of Southern Californianites, you’d be a little edgy too.

PING

Got a question for Ping? E-mail him at Ping@racerxill.com.