Ping,

Since you didn't seem any more interested in our Choco Bar Pad than you did the the Corn Horn, the staff here at Kandy Mann's Inventions, who are all huge fans of the Racer X website, came up with another goodie which we hope you will find yummy. After reading your March 10 edition of "Ask Ping," where we learned of your connection to Montana, the staff worked feverishly through the night to bring you the Rocky Road Mountain Oyster, a round, textured chocolate morsel filled with a sweet gooey cream sure to make the corners of your mouth leak. The staff is very proud of this product, which, like all of our confection inventions, is intended for your consumption [Ping]. Our question is: Are you man enough to get past the incredibly disgusting thought of eating such a thing and enjoy one of the tastiest goodies we've ever come up with?
Kandy Mann, CEO, Kandy Mann's Inventions

Dear Mr. Mann,
That’s so gross. I just vomited in my mouth a little.
PING


Dear Ping,
 How do you think you would fare in a match race against the top quad pros ("The Professor" Joe Byrd, John "Ironman" Natalie, "Digger" Doug Gust, Jeremiah "Mr." Jones, Travis "T-Doc" Spader, etc.) at the Glen Helen National track for 20 minutes plus one lap?
 
Dear ?,
I would put a hurtin’ on those four-wheeling couch riders. A quad is just a lazy man’s motorcycle, you see. If you are too out of shape to ride a motocross bike, ride a quad! Can’t keep from falling over on two wheels? Add two more! If your style is so lame on a motorcycle that people constantly make fun of you, ride a quad, because you will fit right in. But wait … there’s more! Your wife or girlfriend (or wife’s girlfriend) can also have fun on your quad. The mindlessly simple operation of these vehicles makes it the perfect off-road vehicle for kids, gals, mental midgets, and even those with an extra chromosome. How would I do against Bill “No Balance” Ballance? Hey, I’ve been known to put in hours at a time on my couch at home; I don’t see why I couldn’t do it at Glen Helen.
PING
P.S. We’re talking about riding dirt bikes, right?


Hey Ping,
Does the AMA have an "illegal substance" rule for motocrossers? If so, do they enforce it? Sometimes I wonder.
Andy from AZ

Dear Andy,
I’ll bet you do wonder, Smoky McPot. I’ve got you figured out. You are probably an aspiring young rider from the Phoenix area. Maybe you have hopes and dreams of being a factory rider someday—a real superstar. Maybe you like to smoke chronic more than Cheech or Chong. Well, listen up, Billy Bong Thornton, because you need to hear this: You will not make it in this sport if you are a weed freak. So get out of that hot box you have going on in the backseat of your Honda Civic, burn the clothes you are wearing, take a shower, use some Clear Eyes drops, and get a job. Remember, real riders pass on grass. But a post-Vegas SX vodka-and-anything? You might find a few takers.
PING