Mr. Pingree,
I hope it does not shock you to know that you still have some fans
left. It was fun reading that one magazine (MXA) tell you to go to
school. I'm glad you were able to get a job after your racing career
ended. I have a signed poster of yours hanging on my wall. You're
shredding a berm on an orange bike in 2002. How many other people have
your posters on their walls? Do you know? I can't be the only one, can
I?
Paul Nash
Dear Paul,
I can say with confidence that you aren’t my only fan. Just the other
day I got a drawing in the mail from a kid in Kentucky. The drawing was
supposed to be me riding, but it looked more like an extreme close-up
of a pile of vomit in a gutter. Or maybe this kid was eating spaghetti
and he just wiped his hands on the page. I’m not sure. I do know that
he was almost old enough to drive a car and that if this was his best
work, than he is probably “challenged.” For a slow kid, it was
thought-provoking and artsy, but for a 15-year-old with the appropriate
number of chromosomes, it was an art-class F waiting to happen. In
fact, F doesn’t even describe it properly. Is there a G grade?
My point is that I have great fans all over the
place. There’s this kid in Kentucky that loves me enough to send me the
occasional Rembrandt, there’s you, and there’s … well, I’m sure there
are others. So thanks, and rest assured, you aren’t the only one. I
think. I mean, I’m pretty sure.
PING
Ping,
Did you know you can die from pulling nose hairs?
Andy Munro. Cypress, Texas
Dear Andy,
I didn’t know that, actually. But if I look like I’m growing two little
afros out of each nostril the next time you see me, it’s because you’ve
just scared the hell out of me. Thanks.
PING
Dear Ping,
Exactly what do they cut in arm-pump surgery? I have been thinking that
maybe I can open up a back-door chop shop and perform this surgery on
privateers for half price. All I need is a diagram or something. Think
you can help?
Kearns #77
Dear Kearns,
I’ve never had that surgery myself, but I understand it’s just like
chicken. Have you ever seen that thin, transparent coating over a
chicken breast? That’s what is cut off during arm-pump surgery. So I
think if you get a good set of knives—you know, the ones you can buy
late at night on QVC that will actually cut through cans and leather
shoes—and some black-market painkillers and some Neosporin (or maybe
just high-octane Elf fuel), you could have yourself a nice little
operation. No pun intended.
I’m not a big fan of diagrams, but if I were
quarterbacking this idea of yours, I would guess you just fillet the
rider's arm from the elbow to the wrist, dig around until you find your
“chicken skin,” and yank it out, and then sew up the bloody gash and
slap some Neosporin on it. Tell your patient to pop some pills and
he’ll be right as rain in a few weeks or months, depending on his
genetic ability to heal from such a butchering.
Now, I’m not a law student, but I would also highly
suggest some consent and release-of-liability forms. You can’t be too
careful in this lawsuit-happy day and age. There are a lot of wackos
out there with crazy, crackpot schemes. So good luck with your
back-door chop shop idea—the privateers will eat it up.
PING
