Cool as Hell: Classic-Fieds

Cool as Hell Classic-Fieds

March 29, 2015 8:00am

Not every bike is a highly tuned race machine equipped with quality Galfer components. In fact, some motorcycles are downright dangerous, nasty beasts with no brakes at all! Here are some Craigslist examples of what happens when perfectly good motorcycles end up in the hands of someone who wouldn’t know performance if it whiskey throttled them. And as always, if you come across an ad you think is worthy of this column send it over to 

Santa’s Yamasaki

If Santa Claus used a motorcycle instead of a flying sleigh to deliver presents, we’re guessing it would look something like this, although we’re fairly certain that the seller isn’t Santa. After all, Santa loves little kids, but this guy obviously doesn’t—he admits he never really learned how to ride it and the brakes need to be fixed, yet he still puts his own grandkids in this unstoppable rolling mortar shell. And at the claimed speed of 40 mph, you might as well call this dodgy device Santa’s Slay!

Seriously, what is it with the trikes these days? It seems like they’re everywhere. They were banned by the government in the 1980s for a reason, people, and now we’re riding them on the street?! Come on! Three-wheelers may seem safer because they won’t tip over when they’re not moving, but the only people who buy into that are people who don’t know anything about motorcycles to begin with. This means you’ve got people who are virtually brain dead on this subject operating vehicles that are ridiculously unsafe—on public roads. Seems legit.

The Verdict

The conspiracy theorist in us suspects that the growing trike scene is really a covert operation initiated by the CIA in an effort to reduce the rapidly growing population.

The Graveyard

Maybe it’s just us, but it seems like “a pile of old crappy suzuki's and a couple yamaha's” may not be the best headline for your ad. Then again, you’ve got to hand it to the seller for his honesty—you know if the seat that’s covered in duct tape is the one that’s in the best shape, you’re dealing with, well, a pile of old crappy motorcycles! And how’d that watercraft get there without a trailer? 

Can you imagine how bad it would suck to live next to this person? If they’ve got a stack of old motorcycles sitting around in this corner, they’ve probably got plenty of other garbage heaped around the place. Every time you drove home you’d be waiting to see what new eyesore your neighbor’s yard was decorated with. It’d be more annoying than the current wave of slow-mo riding videos on Instagram.

The Verdict

Unless you’re filming an episode of American Pickers, there’s nothing of value here. Make like Mickael Pichon and bail.

Fat Cat Missile

We’ve featured a few weird conversions here in the past, but this one takes the cake. Why on Earth would you take a CR500 and turn it into this? The CR500 is already the perfect dune shredder in stock form. Sure, there are improvements that can be made, but toothpick suspension and bloated tires are not in the performance category.

Something doesn’t add up with this thing. It’s extremely clean and actually looks pretty good for what it is. Whoever made it obviously knows a thing or ten about building things, so why would he put his time and effort into creating something that’s worse than the original product? This is like replacing the tires on an F-1 car with blobs of bubble gum so it’ll stick in the corners better, or like NASCAR instead of Monster Energy Supercross.

The Verdict

The best place for a machine like this is at the bottom of the canal that runs through the Glamis sand dunes. It just might float with those big balloon tires on it, though, so be sure to fill those rubbers with a load of bullets before sending this missile on its final flight.

Speedway Widow Maker

This column is going to end differently than it ever has before—on a positive note. Is this little motorcycle not one of the most badass bikes you’ve ever seen? It’s cool as hell, and the name, although probably not the best marketing choice, is awesome. If you’ve never known anything but new motocross bikes you might not understand, but for those of us who rode rusty hunks of backfiring metal up and down the driveway for hours on end when we were little, a bike like this was the Holy Grail.

Can you imagine how cool this would have made you feel as a 7-year-old? Quadruple that feeling if you grew up in a rural community where you were allowed to use your mini-bike as basic transportation. My mom used to send me to the store to get milk when I was a little kid and I was on an old crappy 1972 Honda SL70 that I bought from my brother for fifty bucks. Seriously, the thing was junk—the muffler was completely rusted through and it had more loose screws than Vegas. But that didn’t matter. I was so proud of that thing I would park it right next to the front door of the store where everyone would see it, and when I left I always made sure to whip the throttle a bunch of times for attention before peeling away at a scorching 23 mph. If I had been on this little nugget of badassery, the showing off would have shattered records. I would have just ridden around all day throwing revs at pedestrians!

The Verdict

This thing’s a winner, hands down. Hopefully whatever kid ends up with this thing appreciates what he or she has and spends hour after hour tooling around empty lots making copious amounts of dust and noise.