Cool as Hell: Junk Bikes

Cool as Hell Junk Bikes

March 15, 2015 11:00am

Aftermarket parts, such as Galfer products, make a world of a difference when swapped out for your run-of-the-mill stock parts. However, that can take a turn for the worse when Johnny Redneck decides to go bargain shopping at the local junkyard. Here are some fine examples of what happens when you give the performance pros the cold shoulder.

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Lechien Machine

By now we’ve all seen the videos of drunken idiots on motorized bar stools, but this little jewel takes the beer-soaked cake. And despite not having a place to store your cool beverages, we say this is still far superior than those silly little motorized coolers—how’s a guy supposed to get away from the cops on something that goes 3 mph and has a battery that goes dead in six minutes? No such problems with this petrol-powered baby. It’s got a claimed top speed of 40 mph—more than enough hustle to stay a couple bike lengths ahead of the fuzz as they pursue you through your neighborhood’s bottle-strewn allies and overgrown lots. If The Dukes of Hazard was set in a bar, this is what the General Lee would have looked like.  

On second thought, perhaps this isn’t the best vehicle to attempt an evasion. Where would you put your feet? For those of you who remember your first motocross race, you know how adrenaline affects your thought process—you just pin it and go no matter the consequences. We have to imagine running from the cops would be a lot like that, only much more intense. Can you imagine whipping along at 40 mph on a vehicle with an open cockpit and no place to set your feet, and steering with one hand (the other one is obviously clutching a can of PBR)? No thank you! Perhaps the best use of this bad boy is to strap a trailer to it and let the snack girl at the local hillbilly golf course use it to deliver her goods.

The Verdict

Is it worth $1,000? Not at all, but that doesn’t mean this little ankle snapper wouldn’t be the hit of your next backyard barbecue. Anything that looks like something that any of the guys from ZZ Top might use to get around at their local watering hole is fine by us.

The Pocket Rocket

Ahhh, Houston. The home of the Rockets basketball team, NASA Space Center, and by the looks of this little speedster, a burgeoning rat-bike pocket-rocket scene. This thing just drips trouble—it’s got more tape than Ken Roczen’s ankle, the seat looks about as secure as a privateer’s financial status, and it appears to be missing a fuel cap, which should provide plenty of fun when it’s skittering and sparking down the road after being low-sided by its Budweiser-chugging operator.

We’re not quite sure why this little thing would need a battery, but it appears that there’s a fairly large one secured with a single strand of electrical tape right in front of the seat. By itself it’s not a big deal, but that’s a wet cell battery, and if the owner maintains the cell caps with the same keen eye as he does the rest of this mint-condition monster, we’re going to go ahead and assume they’ve already fallen out. In other words, whoever’s riding this thing is going to end up with a crotch full of battery acid, and unless you’re looking to get a vasectomy on the cheap, that ain’t good.

The Verdict

Pocket rockets can be fun. In fact, the author of this column used to keep one in his garage (that he traded a handful of bottle rockets for, ironically) for the sole purpose of running time trials in his cul-de-sac when his fellow moto idiots pals would show up for a few adult beverages. However, this one is an absolute failure to launch. Stay far, far away.

The Prototype

Kawasaki used to have a KZ line of street bikes, but who knew they made a dirt version? Maybe it was just a prototype in case someone decided to bring back Superbikers? We can’t be sure, but we do know that unless they were trying to create the world’s most inconvenient tire rack or ugliest hunk of garage art, they missed the mark.

Whoever is responsible for turning this once dirt worthy machine into what it is today needs to be arrested quicker than you can say “Vanilla Ice.” What’s that lump of gold-colored goo on the fuel cap? And is that duct tape on the rear rim?! The seller claims that the engine is fine and just needs to be put back together, but we’re not going to trust anything that’s been touched by the same hands that are responsible for that kinked up chain. And who wants to bet the engine has more stripped nuts than a veterinarian’s office?

The Verdict

Sharpen your sword and get ready to slash because this one gets a resounding thumbs down. Aside from those Renthal bars, this bike has about as much value as an “oh well” attitude in the Pro Circuit truck and needs to be swiftly put out of its misery.

Angry Rider

We have to admit, we never expected to come across a revenge ad posted in the motorcycle listings of Craiglist, but hey, there’s a first time for everything, right? Instead of being pumped that he finally off-loaded his bike, the seller took to the web to voice his anger at those who didn’t agree with his asking price. Check it out below:

I just want to let all of u lowballin azzholes that I sold my bike for what I was askin to someone that appreciated the fact that the bike was almost brand new even though it was 13 yrs old ha. U lowballin azzholes that send a text by phone and make a ridiculous offer with out even seeing the bike well needless to say u don't have shiz and ain't ner gonna have shix

The Verdict

We don’t have anything to say about this bike—it actually doesn’t look bad at all. The seller, on the other hand, we find guilty on one count of homicide (murder of the English language), and on one count of highway robbery—if he really sold that bike for $1,800 he took someone for a ride four about $1,000 too much. Toss him in solitary and flush the key.