Cool as Hell:  Junk Bikes For Sale

Cool as Hell Junk Bikes For Sale

July 16, 2013 11:30am
The Rusty Rotor

The Rusty Rotor sounds more like the name of a bar where you’d expect to find a bunch of old crusty gearheads drinking juiced 10W40s (that’s cheap whiskey with a motor oil floater. Or is it just 10 forties?). That bar must have Wi-Fi, because the seller of this engineless YZ-inger was drinking heavily there when he placed this ad. How else can you explain the asking price of $350 for a junked out mound of rust and spider eggs? Probably more value here as a science experiment than a motocross racer.

Despite the seller extolling its virtues [“This is a yz 125 frame roller ..less engine..carb ,radiator,great tires,brakes,moto one forks on front.great bike just no engine”] this bike is obviously in a sad state. Great tires? Yes, we’ve all heard that power is no good if you can’t get it to the ground, but you do have to have some power to make that statement work. And thank god those “moto one” forks are on the front of the bike, although we’re not sure what you’re going to do when the second moto rolls around. A glance at the front number plate reveals a #91, but someone should add an extra “1,” so you know what number to call if you ever attempt to ride this deathtrap.

The Verdict: If you’re thinking about picking up this bundle of unfulfilled intentions, put down the whiskey-and-oil and sober up. If you're still interested, there’s no hope for you. Make sure you’re up to date on your tetanus shots and give the seller a call.

Click photo for full ad.

Competition Only

Have you been searching for a motocross bike that’s been designed specifically for competition by a company with a rich race heritage? Well as long as this chunk of high-performance race equipment is still on the market, you’re in luck. Here’s what the seller had to say about it:

“I have a 2007 Yamaha 450 dirt bike specifically designed by Yamaha for the racetrack there is only a thousand made in this year it weighs about 210 pounds all aluminum frame titanium pipe and valves starts with first kick, 1/4 turn full throttel break away clutch and break levers. I run a hundred octane through it maybe has 50 hours on it. Mine is really fast and you can get on it right now and ride.”

Finally a bike from Yamaha specifically for the racetrack! Because, you know, most motocross bikes are not. What we’re wondering is how this thing made it out of Yamaha’s heavily guarded race compound. After all, YZs with titanium valves are extremely hard to find, unless of course you count every single other YZ450F ever built. The exotic Ti valves, ultra-rare titanium pipe and, gasp, aluminum frame, must combine for quite a weight savings, because this slick pony weighs a cool 210 pounds. With claims like that (and the fact that the 2014 YZ450F weighs in at 245 pounds), we’re guessing the seller is banking that potential buyers aren’t going to bring a scale to the buy.

The Verdict: As far out as this seller seems to be, the bike itself looks like it’s in good shape, although the asking price seems high. Ah but speaking of that, we think there’s a hidden reason for the extra dollars baked into the price, and maybe even for the special “built for racing” origin. Check the logos and graphics. Is this bike not a dead ringer or a J-Law edition YZF? Slap some 338s on there and you too could be intimidating Dungey wanna-bes. Just make sure to avoid the race officials (of course) while you’re jumping the gate at Hangtown, because this bike is a good ten pounds under the weight minimum for the 450 Class. Pretty sweet. For the first time ever, a bike featured in this section has earned our seal of approval, pending a reduction in price.

Click photo for full ad.

At a Loss

We gave this entry its name because we’re literally at a loss of what to say about this tangle of frame and plastic. We’ve haven’t seen a model this stripped down since photos of Tarah Geiger’s recent shoot with ESPN The Magazine for an upcoming Body Issue surfaced. The second reason we named it, “At a Loss,” is because you’ll literally be at a loss if you pay one dollar for this piece of scrap metal. Even if you got it for free and live less than half a mile from the seller, you’d still be at a loss for gas money, because you’ll never get even a dime from this one. This thing is literally garbage and it’s never, ever, ever coming back to life!

We’re more than a little concerned with the accuracy of this post. Can you blame us? We note that there’s a drum on the back. The ad says this is a 1989 YZ250, and they came with rear discs. You might have a tough time sourcing all of the parts you need for this one if you can’t tell the real origin, and trust us, you’ll need to get some parts.

What’s perplexing is that by looking at the machine, we’ve come to the conclusion that somebody actually had to put work into tearing this thing down this far. Check out the air box. The air filter cage is still attached, but where is the air filter? Did someone reinstall the cage after yanking the filter? Was the bike sitting in the elements for so long that the filter simply crumbled and became dust in the wind? Did rats chew it up and make a nest out of it? Even the foot pegs appear to be missing! Judging by the seriously faded front fender, (seriously, check out the back half of the front fender, it’s yellow!), we’re pretty sure this thing hasn’t been garaged its whole life. In other words, it’s seen more exposure to the elements than you will if your wife finds out you wasted good money on this lump.

The Verdict: If this thing were made of wood we’d say go ahead and pick it up. At least you’ll have some firewood for your next moto camping trip. But, it’s made out of metal, rendering it about as useless as your judgment if you are considering picking up this piece of moto refuse. If it really is an '89 and you're thinking of rebuilding it and putting some Damon Bradshaw #45s on there, don't.

Click photo for full ad.


The Best for Last

As much as we hate to admit it, there are times when sentences are put together so well that no matter how hard we try, we simply cannot improve the original in any way [editor’s note: this is rare considering the staff I have to work with]. This following ad is a perfect example of such literary perfection. So for your enjoyment, we’ve swallowed our pride and cut and pasted the spectacularly penned text from this ad.

“Hey there junior badass,ever feel like there's a caged animal inside you? Only one cure for that:get a f*****G sick motorcycle! An '88 RM 250 to be exact. This golden lady will blast you AND your shotgun through the zombie apocalypse,and make you scream"I AM ALIVE!"on your way through the god d*** woods or the race track!

Why am I selling it? Because life rules man,and I'm too gnarly of a dude for this bike. I see a ramp I'll hit that motherf****r at 100mph, backflip over pond and hope to just be able to dust myself off.

Now on to the goodies:

Brand new throttle cable, new grips, new spark plug, carburetor rebuilt and tuned, new air filter and new fluids. It also has a full DG exhaust,and Renthal bars.

This bike rips and the vintage crowd will be envious of you. Damn it, I'm envious of you and I still own the fu*king motorcycle!

This bike won't last so TEXT or EMAIL me and let's set this up so you can get out there and ride!

$899 and this gnarly bike is all yours. Will trade for a running Blaster or other quads/dirt bikes!

**If you are in a reasonable distance I can deliver it for a reasonable price. Because after all I want to see you enjoy this bike and will help you however I can.**”

Verdict: By now you’re probably on the phone calling the guy. Congrats on the new scooter!

Click photo for full ad.

Found a junk bike ad you’d like us to tear apart---with words? Email Aaron Hansel