Cool as Hell: Classic-Fieds

Cool as Hell Classic-Fieds

Craigslist truly is a fine example of the Internet. Whatever you’re looking for can be found there, including many things that will leave you laughing yourself silly, disgusted, shocked, and everything in between. To prove it, we’ve put together a sampling of some of the more eccentric ads from Craigslist, the Wal-Mart of the Internet where everyone shops but pretends they don’t. And, as always, if you come across an ad you think is worthy of this column, send it over to aaron@racerxonline.com. 

The Ass Basket

It used to be we rarely featured trikes in this column, but now it seems they’re the norm. We’re not really sure what’s responsible for this troubling trend. Are smart phones, pesticides, and this broad really making America dumber?

At least this little piece of Americana started life as a three-wheeler to begin with, rather than being downgraded to one, but we have to ask, if you’re going to modify a three-wheeler, why wouldn’t the first mod you make be to hack off one of the wheels? Sure, it’d be a little dicey sober and you could only turn in one direction, but that works well for NASCAR, right? Props to the builder for finding a more masculine home for that Sportster tank though. Yeah, we said it—Sportsters are girly.

The Verdict

We really want to like this one. After all, it’s painted like a John Deere, has Harley parts on it, and has a hitch to tow a cooler full of Keystones and Natty Lights. That’s an Illinois frat kid’s dream right there. But, it’s still a three-wheeler, which means the name Ass Basket isn’t just referring to the body part the seat is supporting, but the entire individual who is dumb enough to ride anything with three wheels. 

Musky Husky

At first glance you might be surprised to find this bike in this column. After all, there’s no flat-black paint, it’s not a weird, unholy trike transformation, and it generally looks pretty clean. But you haven’t read the seller’s sales pitch yet, which was obviously written under the influence. Check it out:

one bad ass bike its a Harley Husqvarna tricked out with nice bored over..610..Harley shop. was really wanting it after I took it for service and they offered 5 grand and I turned it down. willing to trade or sell this. is a bike once in a lifetime never been opened up..into racing this is for you. helmets boots goggles comes with it don't pass it up. Find a better deal.I'll bet anything u can't..one that has ports to connect headlights & taillights..And awesome but and unbelievable gift. Wow willing to trade for a boat truck or house and ect.

While Cagiva, which at one point was owned by Harley Davidson, did indeed used to own Husqvarna, that’s as far as the connection goes. The only things this bike and a Harley have in common are the words shovelhead, panhead, blockhead, and knucklehead. With Harley those words refer to engine types, but here, they’re in reference to the owner’s probable nicknames, on account of getting hit in the head repeatedly with said items, no doubt leaving him with an extremely fathead. 

Then there’s the grammar, namely the lack of commas. At least, we think it was a lack of commas, unless he really meant an actual truck boat. And do you suppose he really thinks this bike is worth trading for a house? I wouldn’t even trade my dog’s house for anything owned by this flathead.

The Verdict

A buddy of mine once bought an old Lambretta scooter from an aging hippy, and when he was taking it apart to get started on the restoration he found two gigantic sacks of weed hidden inside. Seriously. We’re thinking there’s a similar situation going on here—only way this thing is worth the $8,000-asking-price is if there’s a secret stash in the air box. 

‘Bout That Bass

Original, organic content is one thing we really pride ourselves on here at Racer X Online, but in the words of Kenny Rogers, “You gotta know when to fold ‘em,” and this is one of those times. You gotta know when it’s time to admit you can’t do any better than the original and walk away. And in case you aren’t familiar with the song mentioned in the sales pitch, here’s a link you can listen to while reading this ad. (DISCLAIMER: Racer X Online does not accept responsibility if this ridiculous tune gets stuck in your head for the rest of the day.)

(To the tune of all about that bass)

You know this bike is all about that bass, 'bout that bass, and trouble.

All about that bass, 'bout that bass, and trouble.

It's all about that bass, 'bout that bass, and trouble.

It's all about that bass, bout that bass. . .

Yeah, it's pretty clear.

For wheels this thing has two.

It accelerates and brakes,

Just like it's s'posed to do!

It's got that vroom-vroom that all the boys chase,

Vance and Hines exhaust in all the right places. 

You see them Harley guys

With their hogs in the shop.

This bike is made to go

While theirs are made to stop.

So check out this Suzuki

With custom paint!

And with fifty cubic inches that will make the ladies faint!

You know your mama she asked me if she could get on for a ride.

I told her to hold on since this thing can really fly.

(it's a Suzuki, yeah a Suzuki-zuki)

You see that this bike is not built for those who are faint of heart.

It will get you attention and help to set you apart.

You know this bike is all about that bass, 'bout that bass, and trouble.

All about that bass, 'bout that bass, and trouble.

It's all about that bass, 'bout that bass, and trouble.

It's all about that bass, bout that bass. . .

You know most people's bikes are blaaaack!

This green's much nicer whatcha think 'bout that?

The tires are good, no they won't leave you flat.

And it's got saddlebags to hold all of the items that you want!

You know your mama she asked me if she could get on for a ride.

I told her to hold on since this thing can really fly.

(It's a Suzuki, yeah a Suzuki-zuki)

You see that this bike is not built for those who are faint of heart.

It will get you attention and help to set you apart. 

You know this bike is all about that bass, 'bout that bass, and trouble.

All about that bass, 'bout that bass, and trouble.

It's all about that bass, 'bout that bass, and trouble.

It's all about that bass, bout that bass. . .