Cool as Hell: Classic-Fieds

Cool as Hell Classic-Fieds

April 12, 2015 8:00am

Welcome to another edition Classic-Fieds, a literary sampling of some of the most classic machines available on Craigslist. Some are two-strokes, some are four-strokes, and some of them don’t have engines at all! But the one thing they’ve all got in common is that their owners likely don’t know a crescent wrench from a sledge hammer. Enjoy, and if you see something you think is worthy of this column, box it up and ship it over to

Spring Theory

In a perfect world every single playground in America would have miniature dirt bikes on springs for kids to bounce on instead of weird cartoon characters that look like the product of a bad acid trip. Unfortunately, we live in the real world, where the only dirt bike on springs for kids to play with is this rickety contraption fashioned from a desecrated motocrosser, a pair of springs that may or may not be secured solidly to the bike, and an old pallet that’s roughly two weeks from becoming a pile of sharp splinters. Things like this are why we’ve lost the Motocross of Nations the last three years, America!

You’ve got to hand it to the seller, though. Instead of simply tossing the remains of the motorcycle he obviously bought so he could rob the engine and wedge it into a go-kart, he came up with a creative product and sales pitch in the hopes of recouping some of his cost. And let’s face it, while his claims of the thing being a motocross skill builder are dubious at best, it’s not the dumbest training exercise we’ve ever seen!

The Verdict

The seller missed his time by a couple centuries—if you were traveling westward in a covered wagon back in the day you’d want this guy along. If you broke a wheel or an axle, he’d get you back in the gold-rushing game in no time by creating a snazzy solution with nothing more than a pocket knife, tree bark, and horse farts. 

The Record Holder

With two-strokes becoming about as relevant as rotary phones (please direct hate mail to these days, it’s not uncommon to find flannel-wearing, rebel-flag waving, trucker-hat sporting dirt bike enthusiasts in garages across the country locked in a drunken and heated debate about what bike was the fastest two-stroke ever made. God help the man who utters a negative word about a CR500 in the wrong company, and don’t even get me started on what happens when classy YZ490 gentlemen clash with GED-toting KX500 fanatics. Fortunately, we can all unclench our fists and put down the broken beer bottles—the argument has finally been settled (although something tells us this guy hasn’t weighed in quite yet). Apparently the fastest two-stroke ever made is a 1993 YZ250, and you can pick one up in Jacksonville for mere $1,500. At least that’s what the seller says: 

Its not very pretty but its the fastest 2-stroke ever made. needs some minor tlc comes with bolt kits new rear fender and other plastics. 

The Verdict

The real crime here isn’t the shredded seat, the spray-painted plastics, or even the ridiculous $1,500 asking price; it’s that Damon Bradshaw never got a chance to ride this particular motorcycle in 1993. Had he been armed with the fastest two-stroke ever made instead of his crappy factory YZ, the history books just might be a little different today.

Red-Colored Glasses

As mentioned above, CR500 guys are nuts for their big red wreckers, and to prove it we present to you this fine example of beauty existing solely in the eye of the beholder. Let’s start with the seller’s words, shall we? 

I have a 87 cr 500 these bikes are monsters. its not complete needs piston, rings, carb, water pump the side covers, radiator and few other odds and ends. with a little bit of money this bike could be a nice runner or flip for a quick profit. Asking 800 or best offer don't be shy shoot me an offer. will take trades any thing with a motor considered. Thanks 

You’ve got to love his optimism—as if rebuilding the entire engine and picking up all the things it’s missing, such as side covers and a radiator (radiators are cheap, right?), is going to cost “a little bit of money!” Then there’s the engine case, which, according to the reader (thanks, Matt!) who submitted this ad, has corroded so badly it will overheat faster than Michael Moore in a down jacket trying to outrun a pack of dogs up a flight of stairs. Of course, even a completely corroded CR500 case is more useful than Michael Moore, so at least whoever buys this thing has that going for him (another joke shamelessly stolen from reader Matt)!

The Verdict

We can agree that this bike is indeed a monster, although it’s likely we’re talking about two different kinds of beasts. Call the mortuary because this bike’s life has ended, and if you disagree you’ve been hitting the sauce harder than Billy Madison

Bonding Time

It wouldn’t be reckless to bet that Honda 50s are the catalyst that sparked the love of dirt bikes for the majority of today’s enthusiasts. In fact, it was probably the first dirt bike you ever rode. It was for me, and it was a blast—until I realized I didn’t know how to turn around. I then panicked and started crying while my brother tried to chase me down as I sped out of the driveway. Fortunately there weren’t any fences around, although smashing face first into an immovable object would be much more enjoyable than attempting to restore these abandoned skeletons. 

It’s kind of hard to tell, but there are multiple motorcycles in this deal, and one of them is a parts bike. Only thing is, you can’t even tell which one is supposed to be the parts bike because they’re both far gone. Seriously, these things are so annihilated they make this guy look sober!

The Verdict

The seller suggests that rebuilding these abandoned dreams could serve as a bonding experience for kids and parents. But, the only possible good that could come from these bikes would be to melt them down to form a single puddle of molten rust.