Cool as Hell: Junk Bikes

Cool as Hell Junk Bikes

February 26, 2015 11:00am

If you enjoy ridiculous, 150 mph-plus motorcycle-quad conversions, standup death traps, and getting run over by dirt bikes and ATVs, you’ve come to the right place. That’s right, we’re coming at you this week with another compilation of some of the most eccentric nuggets of metallic nonsense that Craigslist has to offer. Enjoy, and if you come across an ad you think is worth featuring here, send it to!

Learning Disability

In the words of Nancy Kerrigan, “Why?” What possible use could there be for a machine with knobby tires and off-road suspension up front, and five inches of travel and 180 horsepower out back? The obvious answer is the sand dunes, where vehicles that look like they were built by roving bands of wrench-wielding apocalyptic warriors are the norm, but that option is ruled out by that smooth rear. In fact, the ass end of this unholy union pretty much limits this thing to smooth pavement, where it’s obviously never been because it’s still in one piece.

What’s even more peculiar about this situation is that the builder obviously has skills. Before you disagree, take a look at how neatly that big street bike engine is tucked into a frame that was never intended to hold it. That’s not easy to do, and it’s even harder to make look nice and clean. Now take a look at his shop. It’s relatively clean, the walls are void of Guns ‘n Roses posters, and there are no piles of empty Pabst Blue Ribbon cans or stacks of broken Wild Turkey bottles. Unless he’s on a reality show called Misguided Talent, it’s time for an intervention. Please sir, abandon your dark ways and use your obvious talents for good!

The Verdict

Like Ricky Bobby, the author of this column has a hard time passing judgment on anything that can easily exceed 150 mph (and of course Big Red chewing gum), so we’ll comment on the builder, who obviously suffers from dyslexia. How do we know, you ask? This is what he ended up with when obviously trying to build a trike.

Meth Project of the Week

Full disclosure, the headline for this beauty was shamelessly stolen from the reader who submitted this ad, so if you’re offended by the drug reference, blame George. If you thought it was hilarious we’ll take the credit for recognizing talent. Either way, you can’t argue that this is one of the most bizarre methods of suicide we’ve ever featured here in this column. The seller says you better have the “need for speed to ride this machine,” but we say he had the need to do a little speed during the build. 

What’s with that exhaust pipe? It looks like something off a two-stroke watercraft from 1993. And elsewhere, there better be some support under that middle section of diamond plate, or the thing’s going to buckle like Ping’s KTM at the first sign of slightly uneven ground. If you think this death machine is cool you’re probably the kind of person who lets your kids get inside the bounce house at your neighbor’s kid’s birthday party while juggling a tub of popcorn and a handful of framing nails.

The Verdict

First off, the $700 asking price for this thing is so ridiculous that we’d like to track the seller down and tell him so, face to face. Second, riding, or even getting near this contraption while it’s being operated, is a terrible idea, second only to getting between Weston Peick and the final transfer spot in the LCQ.

Tankless Terror

Unless rats got into the freight ship and worked their magic on this heap of lead, plastic, and pot metal on its way over from China, there’s no way this thing is anywhere near a 2016 model as the seller claims. And what’s with that lonely, blue wheel up front? Hey, if it was a 20-incher we could call it a lonesome dub! Seriously though, the only thing this heap of wreckage-waiting-to-happen is good for would be to cut it into little bits to sell as paperweights. Too bad for the seller we’re becoming a paperless society.

The seller says it’s not running, although there’s a slight chance that concern is related to a fuel delivery issue. You know, on account of the missing fuel tank. The seller also mentions that he’d be open for trade, but you’d have to have something pretty awful to make trading for this brittle bitch worthwhile. Alimony payments, a root canal, and a nasty skin rash in an embarrassing location come to mind.

The Verdict

Craigslist has a “Free Stuff” Category, but even that’s not suitable for this thing. Until they offer an “I’ll give you real American money to take this lump of lard off my hands” category, this machine should be banned from Craigslist’s endless supply of hopeless crap. It’s that useless.


Typically we only run ads with pictures in this column, but this one is so unique and rare that we thought we’d share it with you. Besides, after reading the ad below, you’ll likely be happy that there are no pictures!

I have always wanted to see what it would feel like to get run over by a dirt bike or ATV or maybe start light by me getting trampled under some MX boots. I really don't want to get hurt "too" bad by any means. Just sorta curious if I could take the weight of a bike and rider, I do enjoy all makes of bikes Yamaha Honda Suzuki and Kawasaki I often ride at the ATV park here in town during the summer hit me up if you would be willing to play ;) I also ride snowmobiles and sport bikes and have plenty of bikes of my own. I would gladly pay your admission to the park this summer even just to ride but the thought of you knowing that it would be fun to put me to the "test" so to speak sounds kinda fun. I have a decent ATV and dirt bike of my own to ride so lets chat. Please don't flag my add I am not asking for anything too crazy. 

What the hell man? Motocrossers are no strangers to pain, but only because it’s an unavoidable part of the game. With this curious fellow it’s just the opposite—the name of the game is actual pain, and motocross is the unavoidable part! Getting run over by dirt bikes and ATVs, or practicing to be on the losing end of the next town riot by getting “trampled” by motocross boots? Nothing but a relaxing Sunday afternoon for this bizarre chap.

The Verdict

Certifiable whacko—steer clear. On a positive note, he did mention he enjoys all makes of bikes, so at least he’s an equal-opportunity masochist.