Cool as Hell: Junk Bikes

Cool as Hell Junk Bikes

January 11, 2015 11:00pm

Your favorite rider not doing well in supercross? Bummed out that James Stewart and Ryan Villopoto aren’t racing? Had your fill of Monster Girls already? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you’ll be happy to know that our semi-regular column, Junk Bikes, which is usually reserved for the off-season, will be making regular appearances this winter. So throw a dip in your lip, grab a mason jar brimming with moonshine, and buckle in for a new season of Junk Bikes.

Wanderlust

If you’re looking to submit a Craigslist ad to be lambasted in this column, take note of this gem—it’s classic Junk Bikes material. Not only is it visually hilarious (seriously, do yourself a favor and click the ad to take full advantage), but there are more things to poke fun at than we can count. For starters there’s the fact that it needs brake work. Oh, really? You mean motorcycle brakes weren’t intended to haul in a car and an entire camper trailer that looks like the ass end of an overgrown Yugo? The only thing more shocking might be any of the electrical components inside the trailer itself. If the same mind that came up with this failed family vacation on wheels is behind the wiring, there’s a solid chance flipping on that TV might be the last move you make. It’s not all bad, though; there’s a fan in there, so the stench of your burning hair and smoldering flesh won’t hang around for long.

The Bright Side
There is an actual silver lining with this Daytona Beach cruiser, but it only applies to a very specific group of people: married men who are in the market for RVs and divorce. If your wife doesn’t throw her wedding ring in the garbage disposal the second she sees you pull up with this monstrosity, she will when you shine a black light in the trailer. Luckily, you’ll at least have a place to stay, and if you search hard enough you’ll probably find a joint or two stashed somewhere to help with the inevitable buyer’s remorse.

When Celebrating Diversity Goes Wrong

We’ve all got that friend who loves the diversity of motorcycles. From trials bikes to mopeds, he not only loves ‘em, he’s got ‘em stuffed in every corner of his barn out back. But even that guy would be hard-pressed to find a spot in his shop for this little chunk of fruitcake. About the only thing more ridiculous than a motorcycle designed for the street that can’t be legally ridden on the street would be buying a motorcycle that’s designed for the street but can’t be legally ridden on the street. Either that or buying a motorcycle from Pep Boys, which the original owner of this rat pile did.

Surprisingly, the bike actually shows signs of wear. How is this possible? In what scenario did this package of moldy berries and soggy biscuits see regular use? Was it Johnny Depp’s get-around on the set of Alice in Wonderland? Did someone use it to zip to and fro whilst selling glow sticks at raves? There’s a red-cross sticker on it. Perhaps it once served as Burning Man’s version of the Asterisk Medical Mule?

The Bright Side
Other than the paint job, there’s one major bright side to this scooter, although it serves the general public, not the owner. If you were to see someone riding this thing, you’d immediately know they’re completely insane, should be avoided, and have roughly the same mental capacity as a Tuff Block. Are you a dad? Keep your daughter away from whoever throws a leg over this thing. Are you an employer looking to fill a position? Not with the owner of this you’re not! A teacher grading a surprisingly decent paper this guy turned in? Immediately fail and expel him for cheating—there’s no way something sensible and intelligent came out of his mind.

Mate Repellant

Either this seller doesn’t actually want to part with his beloved assemblage of Chinese plastic, pot metal, and unfulfilled ambition, or he just has no idea how to sell stuff. Why else would he begin his pitch by saying, “For sale is my Rocketa 150cc scooter. It is UGLY!!! And has a few minor issues.” We have to agree though; this thing is as uglier than Destry Abbott crashing while practicing for EnduroCross. The seller even goes on to say “I SUCK at mechanics!!!”

At least he isn’t without some humor. When he mentions he’s got the title in hand, he goes on to clarify that it isn’t in his actual hand—it’s in a drawer. At least we think (and hope) he’s making a joke! If he’s not, the passenger portion of the seat should be immediately removed or disabled. Nobody that dumb should be trusted with someone else’s life on the back of a motor vehicle. We’ll make an exception if the passenger is the owner of any of the other ads featured in this column.

The Bright Side
Anyone who owns a scooter like this isn’t getting near a member of the opposite sex. Heck, even the owner of the brightly colored mushroom mobile above has a better shot at landing a mate than someone who voluntarily rides this tangible example of self-loathing. The result? We don’t have to worry about this fella reproducing and doing further damage to the gene pool.

Flat Black

No Junk Bikes column would be complete without the classic styling of flat-black spray paint, and this one delivers in a big way. It’s even missing its seat, which has been replaced with a piece of particleboard that’s also received a top-notch flat-black paint job. The tank has a bit of gold showing, but we’re not sure if that’s intentional or if the seller tried a little too hard to get extra mileage out of his rattle can.

Perhaps the best part of this machine is the petcock, fuel line, and carburetor that have all been painted with ultra-classy flaky gold paint (visit the ad for full visual glory). Somehow it looks like the opposite of a wheel that’s missing a hubcap, or a rapper with an aftermarket grill.

The Bright Side
Suzukis are yellow (although ‘Zooks of this vintage were blue), so at least whoever is responsible for this train wreck of a paint job kind of stuck with the original colors with those traces of yellowish gold. The seat itself also provides a positive. Two minutes on that hard wood and your ass is going to start aching like you’ve just been dealt birthday spankings with a tire iron, which means you’ll be in too much pain to worry about who sees you riding this failure on wheels.

Have a Craigslist ad you think would be good for this column? Send it to  aaron@racerxonline.com