Cool as Hell:  Junk Bikes for Sale

Cool as Hell Junk Bikes for Sale

August 30, 2013 9:20am

Swamp Thing

You might think we named this bike Swamp Thing because of the propulsion system that closely resembles the ones found on the airboats that skim nimbly across swamps and bayous, but that’s not the case. We took one look at this unholy concoction of bicycle, airboat and lawn tool parts (as well as a rear fender that’s reminiscent of a vintage speedway roost guard) and figured whoever put this thing together has got to be known as Swamp Thing in his locale. Furthermore, the only thing that’s skimming on this bike is the operator over the handlebars on his or her way home from the local pub,  which probably bears the name, “The Blazed Gator,” or perhaps even, “Madison Bear Garden.”


All joking aside, how many close calls do you think the operator, innocent bystanders or even nearby animals have had with this thing? It’s got a guard to keep the rider from falling backward into the spinning blade of death in an alcoholic haze, which is great, but what about the other side? Apparently whoever built this bike is not concerned with whatever, or whoever, is behind that gigantic weed whacker blade from hell. Perhaps this is what The Water Boy got around town on before upgrading to that sweet riding mower?

The Verdict: From time to time in this column we come across machines that, while being completely ridiculous, totally spark our curiosity. This is one of those times. Seriously, who wouldn’t want to throw a leg over this baby and test the seller’s top-speed claim of 22-mph?

The Cultivator

There’s lots to laugh about with this one, but let’s lead off with the biggest joke of all-the $2200 asking price. We’ve heard of asking high and bargaining down, but c’mon fella, $2200? Does the bike also come with a 2005 YZF250 in prime condition? The seller asks for serious buyers only in the ad, but at that kind of money, he must mean seriously insane.


The seller says the bike comes “with front brake system,” which is awesome if ever plan on coming to a stop. The presence of front brakes must be why he described this bike as “safe.” Yep, a two-stroke 250, the model of motocross safety. Absolutely perfect for beginners. Then there’s the marijuana leaf drawn on the right side plate. Perhaps this bike was used to get in and out of the deep forest where the rider was looking after an outdoor grow?

The Verdict: The bike isn’t a complete basket case, we’ll give the seller that. But if you’re going to ask $1700 too much for it, it’d better come with a bottle of champagne, a lap dance and some sort of happy ending!

Elsinore Ripper

When we say Elsinore Ripper we’re not talking about Ryan Villopoto, who crushed the competition at the recent Red Bull Lake Elsinore National. We are, of course, talking about this old Elsinore with a seat cover that’s been ripped to shreds. Check out the handlebars on this baby. Did someone attempt to convert this former piece of moto gold into a beach cruiser? It looks like the baffle in the silencer tip has been removed too, which makes total sense. After all, louder always means faster, right?


At least the seller, who shouts the add via caps lock, doesn’t try to put lipstick on a Cannondale here, describing this old Elsinore as “HAGGARD,” and explaining that it’s “BEEN IN A SHED FOR A WHILE, AND HAS THE DUST TO PROVE IT!” That dust must have some kind of, ahem, special qualities if it can make the seller this excited (“THE MOTOR KICKS OVER WITH COMPRESSION!”) about this old machine, whose front fender slump is surpassed only by the Detroit Tigers in the 2012 World Series.

The Verdict: Despite the sad state of disrepair that this piece of moto history is in, we just can’t completely drop the hammer on it. After all, it is an Elsinore, Honda’s first purpose-built production motocross bike. And even though this one looks as if it might have been the street version, it still deserves respect.

Tijuana Terror

Seeing as how this bike is in Tijuana, which is always a great place to shop for used items on Craigslist, the seller’s pitch was in Spanish. Here it is in English, thanks to Google Translate.

“89 year honda 250cr, 2 stroke, inverted suspension, does not hurt anything”

Okay, so there’s probably something lost in translation there, but what on Earth could the seller mean by saying, “does not hurt anything?” Perhaps the engine doesn’t run, making it literally impossible to get hurt riding this thing? Is it a way of saying it’s not stolen from the Cartel? Is the seller making note of that Sparky that’s clamped to the back of the silencer that’s not bolted on? Your guess is as good as ours, so be sure to add your thoughts in the comments section below.


There’s no shortage of Rockstar and Metal Mulisha stickers on this ride either. Do we have Mexico’s biggest Brian Deegan fan here, or was this bike somehow left behind in the many dirt bike videos that were shot in that area back in the day? If you’ve seen some of the crazier videos it’s not too far-fetched to imagine one of the era’s bad boys ripping this old CR in a full wheelie down the streets of Tijuana like one of the 12 O’Clock Boys.

The Verdict: There’s an outside chance this jewel might have been featured in some early 90s motocross vids, so the next time you’re down in Tijuana, you know, casually checking out a show, be sure to stop by the seller’s place and check this thing out. If it’s got leopard print or spikes anywhere on it, snap that baby up!

Found a junk bike ad you’d like us to tear apart---with words? Email Aaron Hansel