Cool as Hell:  Junk Bikes For Sale

Cool as Hell Junk Bikes For Sale

August 7, 2013 10:10am
All Raced Out

When it comes to writing, a good rule of thumb is to start with your best material, which is why we’re going to lead this entry off with the seller’s description:

1998 CR-125 Boarded Out to 175 - $1000

Bike is all raced out. Power banded from 1st to 5th gear. Very Fast. Just needs a new piston. No title. Asking $1000 obo.

We’re familiar with the process of engine boring, but the term “boarded out” is a new one for us. Perhaps he’s referring to the special tuning he gave the exhaust. How else can you explain that 2x4-sized dent in the pipe? Maybe he should have said “boarded in.” He also mentions that this bike is “all raced out,” which is something we can definitely agree on. This bike’s racing days are gone forever, and thanks to the decals on the front fender that resemble a tramp stamp tattoo, so is its dignity. But at least it’s still “power banded” in first through fifth gear, which is something the seller no doubt found out at the same time he somehow managed to bend the folding front brake lever.

The Verdict: Judging by the language used in the description (boarded out, power banded, etc.), the ridiculous $1000 asking price and the fact that this bike is definitely not a ’98 (’98 CR125s had aluminum frames), it’s a safe bet to say that that this person knows absolutely nothing about dirt bikes. The lack of a title suggests that this property might be even hotter than seller’s opinion of the machine itself. Steer clear!

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The St. Bernard

Remember those old movies with the St. Bernard rescue dogs that wore small barrels of brandy around their necks to give to people they found stranded in avalanches? Wait, you don’t? Well, that’s what this bike reminds us of, for several reasons. The first is the makeshift fuel tank, which bears a strong resemblance to a barrel of brandy. The second is that there’s a good chance that this bike is only operated under the influence of brandy. Why else would the seller choose to install such a small tank on this thing? After all, you don’t want to be able to get too far from base camp if you’re borderline blacked out on brandy. Finally, we’re pretty sure the seller had been slogging brandy for a few hours when he came up with the $700 asking price for this antique.

As much as we’d like to keep making fun of this thing, the fact that it’s so clean (except for the brandy barrel tank, which arguably ups its cool factor) prevents us from being too hard on it. Seriously, check the thing out! It’s got a skid plate that’s somehow not as smashed up as J-Law’s rental cars, there isn’t an ounce of black spray paint on the plastics (a rare thing for bikes featured in this column) and it even looks like it has new grips. New grips! The hillbilly who owns this baby must be some sort of status seeker!

The Verdict: This thing might be from 1978, but we believe that 400cc two-stroke can still crank out some serious, holler-inducing entertainment. And much like the corner store down the street from the seller’s house, shirt, shoes and mullet are purely optional.

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Tweaker’s Delight

In keeping with one of this column’s common themes, the only kind of paperwork that the scooters in this ad come with is thin and rolled around green herbs. Plastic that’s been spray painted black is another reoccurring theme, although one of these little beauts does have portions of bodywork that have been sanded down, which puts it in a similar category. Who wants to bet the serial numbers have been sanded off too?

What’s with all the missing bodywork on these scooters? Does the seller live in a strange part of the world where specific pieces of scooter plastic are in high demand? Was he yanking off body panels because he thought he’d stashed his stash in there somewhere? Was he trying to lighten the scooters in an attempt to get a few extra mph’s in the event of a chase following the inevitable drug deal gone wrong? Even more bizarre is the fact that both scooters are missing seats. What’s that all about? Seriously, what’s that all about? If you have any idea, use the comments section to fill us in, we want to know!

The Verdict: Do yourself a favor and don’t answer this ad. The absolute best case scenario is that you pick up a couple pieces of crap that will never run again because the previous owner has stripped out every single strand of copper wiring, tweaker-style.

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Ninja Warrior

After making so many references to black spray paint, you knew there was no way we were going to close this column out without giving you an example, and the Ninja Warrior pictured here is one of the best. Unlike most rattle-can-wielding artists of moto, the seller does not limit his canvas to just the plastics. Nope, the seat gets the flat-black treatment as well, which catapults this extraordinary specimen into a league of its own. If the seller hadn’t run into money problems like he mentioned in the ad, we’re guessing the rims and exhaust would have gotten the same treatment.

The seller says the bike is ready for the trails, but about the only type of trail those tires are ready for is a paved bike path. Just don’t hit any corners because the patch of oil the rear tire is sitting on is sure to make for a slippery situation if you do. The seller says the bike comes with some extra parts, but after looking at the bike’s overall condition, we’re guessing he meant that it comes with leftover parts following the rebuild he says he did over the winter.

The Verdict: Despite everything we just said, we suggest you snap this bike up immediately if you’re in the seller’s neighborhood. Shocked? Consider this. The seller says he’s got much more money in the bike than he’s selling it for. How on Earth do you put more than $1000 into a bike like this? Let alone MUCH more? The only possible explanation we can think of is that he meant it literally. That’s right, stashed somewhere in this bike is a stack of Benjamins thicker than Ron Jeremy’s chest hair, and it’s up to you to find it.

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