If you’ve ever searched for a used bike, you’re well aware of the rat piles and hammered heaps on Craigslist. These machines range from spray painted beauties to motorcycles that no longer run and are missing half of the bodywork, and are often described as, “very fast” and, “like new.” The one thing that all these ads seem to have in common, however, is that they are hilarious. So, for your enjoyment, we’ve once again roosted through Craigslist and put together some of the most entertaining ads. Half the fun of this new feature comes from reading the comments section, so be sure to toss in your two cents on which machine is the best, or worst, purchase.
Larry The Cable Guy’s Ride
At first it was hard to find anything about this bike to make fun of, mainly because of the blurry photos. Seriously, were these pictures taken during an earthquake? What we can see is a chain that looks rustier than the Titanic and a couple body pieces that somehow look fifteen years older than the rest of the bike. Also adding to the entertainment is what appears to be Larry The Cable Guy leaning over the rear fender looking at something on the ground. Perhaps he’s trying to find that box of 12-guage shells and can of dip he dropped before the picture was taken. The best part of the ad is where the seller mentions that he doesn’t have a phone and that all contact must be made via email. How is it that someone has internet access, but no phone?
The Silver Lining: If you look closely, you can see that this Pensacola pearl is equipped with passenger pegs. Not only will you be able to take your girlfriend to the bowling alley in style, you’ll save money on gas doing it.
This magnificent piece of Massachusetts majesty is the whole package when it comes to Craigslist comedy. Not only is the bike a conglomeration of at least three different machines, the wording is almost as good as the KX125 we featured last week [/2012/10/12/cool-as-hell-junk-bikes-for-sale] that had a power band in every gear:
“85 kx 125 w a 87 kdx 200 air cooled 2stroke very reliable,fast,the perfect trail bike. bike was built by joe pinsonnault w new wheel bearings and carb,new alum bars,new alum throttle tube,six" extensions(cost 200)made by joe.take em off or run them handles great like that still wheelies! good deal just need to sell something for car ins.”
One of the more curious parts of this bike is the red kill-switch cord hanging from the right side of the handlebars. It’s not as if a motorcycle will keep going if you fall off, so what’s the deal? The most plausible theory we could come up with is that given the pieced-together mechanics of this Frankenbike, there’s probably been a stuck throttle or two in its history. Wanting to avoid getting bucked off and being forced to listen to the engine grenade while struggling to free himself from a manzanita bush, the seller smartly installed the kill-switch.
The Silver Lining: Somehow this bike has escaped the flat-black spray paint treatment that most of the beaters on Craigslist have received at one time or another. It isn’t without some aftermarket colors, however, as the right side plate looks like the seller once rode this bike through the middle of a paintball warzone.
When purchasing a used motorcycle, it’s always great when the seller has a few extra parts that go with the machine. A pair of spare grips, the original exhaust or handlebars, or even an extra set of graphics; all are nice extras. But with the laundry list of extras this seller is including, that good, “extra” feeling is transformed into a gigantic warning flag. Extra carbs, cylinders, heads, magnetos, coils, CDI boxes, clutch baskets, gears, rims and more. Who goes through stuff like? Either this seller is extraordinarily hard on equipment, runs some sort of motocross bike chop-shop, or is an extreme patriot who would rather run vegetable oil in his bike than increase the nation’s dependence on foreign oil.
Interestingly enough, out of all those parts, the seller wasn’t able find a brake lever that wasn’t more bent out of shape than the des Nations track after the third moto a few weeks ago. And even more disturbing than the plethora of weird parts is the likening of the bike’s power to rape: “…it ran like a raped date until i ran it too lean and ceased the ring to the piston.” With lines like this, it sounds like the seller has about as much class as he does bike maintenance skills. But then again, what can you expect from someone (excluding Nicky Hayden, of course) who chooses to run #69?
The Silver Lining: The bike is missing a bar pad, and with any luck the new owner will smack his face on the bar clamps hard enough to erase any memory of the previous owner.
This bike is actually pretty cool and we almost hate to include it here, but as Jeff Foxworthy might say if he were writing this article, “If your bike is missing the front fender and air cleaner and is sporting a seat held together with duct tape, it might be featured on Racer X’s weekly junk alert.” At least the duct tape is installed in such a way that it looks like the rear portion of the seat is adorned with racing stripes, although the picture is so blurry it’s hard to get an idea of what they actually look like.
As cool as this old bike is, make sure you’ve got a line on old CZ engine parts if you are considering rescuing it. If the seller has run it much without the air filter there’s probably less life left in the motor than Ping’s short stint as a Tornado-mounted factory rider for Sky Team.
The Silver Lining: To the right person (and by right person we mean someone who is deranged completely obsessed with returning vintage bikes to their former glory) with the right knowledge and skills, this bike would make a killer restoration project. Are you reading this, Dave Coupe?
Now it’s time for you, the reader, to cast your vote on this lot of motocross litter. What is the best purchase here? Is it Larry the Cable Guy’s Ride, Frankenbike, Extra Parts or Senior CZ-itizen? Tell us what you think in the comments section below.
See a bike you think would make a good fit for this column? Send an e-mail over to firstname.lastname@example.org
If you’ve been offended by anything you read here, you can also send us an email, but first, try taking a deep breath, relax, and remember, we don’t care, it’s all in good fun.