Cool as Hell:  Junk Bikes for Sale

Cool as Hell: Junk Bikes for Sale

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Odds are you’ve been in the market for a used dirt bike, and have no doubt come across the many junk heaps from hell on Craigslist. Whether it’s due to obvious lies or outlandish tales from the seller, or the dilapidated condition of the machine itself, these ads are often hilarious. So, for our readers’ enjoyment, we’ve painstakingly clicked through several Craigslist listings and picked a few lucky winners to showcase. Read our evaluations and use the comments section below to tell us which ad features the best or worst purchase.

Judging by the description, the seller seems to think that this motorcycle is hot property. We do too, assuming the word, “hot,” signifies stolen. The first clue is the reference to a Kawasaki, when the bike pictured is obviously a Suzuki. Motorcycle enthusiasts know what brand of motorcycle they own, so clearly, something is up with this seller. He either has no clue what he stole, or he figures the rightful owner will be patrolling Craigslist to see if the bike pops up for sale and is hoping to cover his tracks by incorrectly advertising the brand. Then there’s the final line of the ad: “You can steal it for $1200.00 or make me an offer.” If it is indeed stolen, at least the thief is not without a sense of humor.

As is the case with most criminals, this bike bandito is most likely a complete moron and will land himself in county sooner or later. If he’s reading this, we suggest he stands behind those bars the bike is leaning against in the picture and get used to the view. If this isn’t a stolen machine, the seller deserves to be jailed for not taking the time to figure out what the hell he owns, not to mention calling a bike with black spray paint covering various pieces of bodywork,  “like new.”

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Other than the standard, haggard condition of what appears to be a late 80s KX125, this ad actually isn’t too crazy; the bald tires, handlebars poking through the ends of the grips and slightly upward pointing rear fender are all to be expected when looking at a motocross bike of this vintage. What we can’t figure out is why the seller didn’t at least move the bike elsewhere before taking the picture in order to avoid advertising the telltale puddle directly underneath the engine. All he had to do was move the bike five feet, or to even to the other side of that stack if quality used tires.

The seller mentions he’d like to trade this green, faded neck-breaker for a boat or personal watercraft, which is a scary thought. If he approaches boating safety with the same attention to detail he uses to sell motorcycles, we’re guessing the contents of the Jet Ski’s fire extinguisher case will be immediately jettisoned to make room for a pair of tall Steel Reserves. Hey, at least he’ll have a couple cold ones to help ease the pain when he’s treading water in the middle of the lake watching his newest acquisition literally go down in flames. Cheers!

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http://fresno.craigslist.org/mcy/3293686485.html
A word of wisdom to the seller: If the picture of the machine clearly shows that the side plates are missing and the pipe has been bashed more times than Tom Hoffarth following the 2011 L.A. Supercross, don’t say that a blown top end and forks are all that’s wrong with the machine. Also, why not go ahead and mention the Pro-Action suspension mods and steering damper? Don’t worry, the fact that this particular bike isn’t stock isn’t going to serve as deal-breaker for any potential conservative buyers out there.

At $300, at least the price of this bike probably isn’t terribly far from its actual worth, although a glance at the registration sticker on the fork reveals that this bike hasn’t been legal since 2008. Considering the DMV fees that are probably steeper than Henry Hill, we’d rather take the pair of lawnmowers and PW80 in the background. That way we’d at least have a pit bike to ride until we saved up enough lawn-mowing cash to buy a real bike.

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We really don’t even know what to say about this listing, and we must admit that a picture of a standup arcade game was the last thing we expected to see when clicking through the seemingly endless list of Craigslist calamities. The shame in this situation belongs not to the seller, but to the person willing to trade an ATV of equal value for this game. Granted, we’d rather ride a dirt bike any day of the week than anything with four wheels, but if you’re going to get rid of an ATV, at least sell it and use the cash to purchase a motocross bike, especially when cheap, classic video games are only a few inexpensive clicks away on Ebay.

On second thought, if you are thinking about contacting the seller because you’d rather spend your days setting high scores on this unit’s outdated “90 preinstalled games” than twisting the throttle and ripping around a track or shredding through the woods, perhaps you don’t belong in motorsports. Go ahead and do the deal, and while you’re at it, renew your subscription to Feline Grooming.

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So what are the best or worst buys? Will Hot Property, Telltale Puddle, Missing Side Plates or Avid Gamer take the crown? Let us know in the comments section below.

See a bike you think would make a good fit for this column? Send an e-mail over to aaron@racerxonline.com

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