I was watching the Winter Olympics and they were showing Skier Cross. The announcer said, “If you have never seen Skier Cross it is like NASCAR on skis.” WTF! I don't think I have seen jumps on a NASCAR track. It is motocross on skis. Why can't the mainstream media give motocross even a little credit?
We really just need to let it go. Motocross is not a mainstream sport and it probably never will be. There aren’t enough people that really care who Stewart, Reed and the rest of the sport's best are. I know this comes as a bit of a shock to the riders' egos, and even the pride of race fans everywhere, but it's true. And it isn’t necessarily something to be ashamed of. It is a core sport that is absolutely amazing, though only a very small percentage of people will ever get involved enough to understand that. Just be glad you are one of those people.
That doesn’t mean that you can’t swear at the Olympic commentators on television like a drunken sailor when they say something dumb, though. NASCAR on skis... That is just stupid. It’s called skier CROSS! You mean to tell me that you can get all the names right in men's figure skating but motocross can't get the nod as the origin sport of skier cross? You suck, Olympic commentators. You couldn't be more gay if you were out on the ice yourselves in one of those fruity costumes.
Two questions: First, why does at least one supercross race per year end up following directly after a Monster Jam event? I find it difficult to imagine a better pairing to completely discredit Supercross as a legitimate sport. Sport meaning " requiring athletic training and ability.” I cringe every time I see this as it seems that the broadcast station (Speed TV) does a good job of making it appear that the two completely individual events are somehow related; Pastrana owning a monster truck doesn't help either. Second, I had the unfortunate occurrence of standing behind you in line at the will-call tent at Binghamton several years ago and while it's obvious from photos that you no longer spend the three hours necessary to produce the coif you were sporting that day, I’m wondering if you still bathe yourself in several gallons of Jungle Love #5 cologne, or has marriage and children reduced this, too? I just got my sense of smell back and would hate to risk losing it again should I run into you at another event.
Japheth R Lucas
The reason it seems Monster Jam events follow supercross races is because they frequently do. Feld owns both entities and it is easier for them to rent the stadiums for two consecutive weekends and leave the dirt in the stadium than to haul in dirt twice. Supercross might be much “cooler” to you and I, but the bottom line is that the Monster-truck business is much more profitable. You wouldn’t believe how many people come out to watch those ridiculous things.
I’ll admit that I used to wear entirely too much of Ralph Lauren’s Polo cologne in my younger days, and I vehemently apologize. But now there is no need for excessive amounts of product. I’ve found cologne that is so good it’s shocking. In fact, they guarantee that “60% of the time, it works every time.” I’m talking about the world-famous Sex Panther. It’s scientifically engineered from space-age petroleum distillates and animal byproducts. It’s made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good. You don’t think it’s real? Watch this video: www.sex-panther.com
Have you seen the Renthal add that has the mega buff guy flexing his ridiculous muscles wearing too tight of shorts? I guess Renthal is comparing their bars to a greased-down muscular dude. So, if the handlebar represents this man, what part (if you know what I mean) am I holding onto? Well, it kind of bothers me because I always get arm-pump when I ride. What does that mean? It makes me feel gay. Maybe this will teach me not to hold on so tight?
You know what part it is. Definitely don’t hold on so tight.
Bonus Response from last week’s column:
That player is Valerie Bure, Pavel's little brother. And its Candace Cameron from Full House whom he married (who was fat but is now hot) who happens to be Kirk Cameron's little sister. He was on Growing Pains with Leonardo DiCaprio, who is not Canadian, but Alan Thicke who played the dad, and wrote the theme song to the show, is Canadian. Braaap on, little guy, and good luck this season with the team !
Thanks for the super-Canadian update. Hey, sorry about beating the back-bacon-eating pants off your guys in hockey in the Olympics. That must suck.