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Ask Ping!

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  • Holeshot down the fallopian tube, berm shot the uterus, seat bounce off the cervix and wheelie right through the vagina. This has been sex education with Ping.
Hey Ping,

I thought you'd like to see my wife's most recent ultrasound. The doctors were pretty confused… I was stoked. Anyway, any advice for a soon-to-be father? I figure you've been at it long enough to have some pearls of wisdom. Thanks, and good luck with the upcoming season!

Eric
Roswell, GA


Dear Eric,

The good news is that your boy is going to be one heck of a dirt bike rider. That’s great and we’ll probably be hearing more of his name sixteen years from now. The very bad news is that your wife is going to have to pass a KTM 65 through her vagina. My wife struggled with our daughter’s shoulders so I can’t imagine a set of 997 Renthals and a swingarm. I’m not going to lie to you… there are going to be sutures involved. Your wife is going to hate you for a little while and she has good reason to. I guess the best way to understand what she’s about to go through is for you to swallow a tricycle whole and then try to pass it. I don’t care what type of breathing exercises you do that is going to be painful. Anyway, good luck with all that. Kids are great as long as you don’t like sleep, peace and quiet or a clean, organized home. Have fun.

PING

  • Gordon Liddy could fix it.
Racer X,

Hi my name is Matt i was wondering if you could help me out i have a 2004 yz450f and whenever i let off the gas it backfires like crazy how can i fix this or is it even fixable?

Dear Matt,

That’s going to be your Fetzer valve, Matt. It’s probably not sealing properly with the lumpker orifice that it sits next to. You see, it's all ball bearings nowadays. Now you prepare that Fetzer valve with some 3-in-1 oil and some gauze pads. And if that doesn’t work try wiring your grips on tighter. Or maybe sign up at your local community college for an English 101 course. The rudimentary grammar and writing lessons won’t improve the performance of your bike but they will serve you well if you ever have to construct a proper sentence.

Seriously, decel-popping is usually a lean condition… Try richening your jetting. Also, check your head pipe for cracks and make sure it is tight. An air leak there can also cause that problem. And rent the movie Fletch if you don’t get the references.

PING

Dear Ping,

I recently encountered a tragic bug in the game "Supercross" on my iPodTouch. My motorcycle performed flawlessly for the first 6 months of owning the game. In fact, I was able to routinely case 160 ft. quads and ride through it without so much as a slight bobble. Lately though, I've encountered a strange problem: my bike has perfect throttle response on the ground but only idles once airborne. Of course, this doesn’t slow me down at all, but I am unable to blip the bike while jumping. This technological wart leads to a greater philosophical question: why is it so fun to clean out the motorcycle while flying? Of course, one can rationalize it by saying it’s important to eliminate bogs on landing, or that your competitors will make mistakes when hearing your screaming engine behind them. Perhaps you needed to spin the wheel to altitude correct (or everyone's favorite variant: the panic rev). Another likely explanation is the need to impress the young ladies at the track. The problem is that none of these arguments apply to the Supercross videogame. Yet, I find the game much less enjoyable since I now have to silently sail through the air. Oh wise Ping: why should such a seemingly useless act generate so much joy? I’ll be waiting by my keyboard for your wisdom…

Sincerely,

Mark

New York City

Dear Mark,

I could tell you that the mid-air rev is simply an adjustment of the bike’s attitude between takeoff and landing. I could explain that the compression braking of the engine tends to slow the spinning of the rear wheel and cause a nose-down flight pattern of the throttle if left untouched throughout the entire jump. I could tell you all that and be mostly correct. But mostly, Mark, it’s for the chicks. Getting the attention of the barely-dressed hoochies that line the fence of the local tracks in anytown, USA is what the flight rev is all about. Of course there are no girls in your video game or flight adjustment which makes the rev just a ridiculous habit. I suggest giving your reddened fingers a break and going outside. You can make your own panic rev noises outside if it makes you feel better. When you jump of the curb just shout out “Whununununununun.”

PING
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