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Ask Ping!

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How do you explain to your girlfriend that riding motocross is more fun than doing something with her? Secondly, how do explain to your girlfriend, who now hates you, why all summer long you were too busy dirt biking to spend more time with her? And last, but not least, how do you convince her that you will spend more time with her next summer but still try to ride your dirt bike the same amount? -Steve

    Dear Steve,

    You’ve got yourself quite a problem. On the one hand, you are a totally self-centered prick that doesn’t have an ounce of respect for his girlfriend. If she had any dignity and half of the abandonment and “Daddy” issues that she probably does she would be packed and gone by the time you got home from the track the next time. On the other hand, I know how much fun it is to ride. And, personally, I can’t remember the last time my bike yelled at me for not doing the dishes or for using the last of the toilet paper and not re-loading it. That alone makes a good case for spending more time with your bike instead of her. Seems to me the only thing you can do is clip that whiny, boring h****r and use the money that would have been spent on her to get some new parts for your bike. It’s not the advice Dr. Phil would give, but I stand by it. Good luck.

    PING


    Dear Ping,
    I live in Michigan because my parents won’t move, no matter how many times I ask them. Last weekend was the last race of the year and there's four months until next season. With my bike put away for winter there is nothing to do. I have already watched every video I could find and after you beat MX vs. ATV for the twentieth time it gets kind of lame. Just wondering if you had any ideas for something fun to do.
    Thanks,
    TJ


    • That could be you eating the Blizzard mix-ins behind the counter
    Dear TJ,

    You can’t expect your parents to move just because you want to ride your bike more. I understand your frustration but that just doesn’t make sense. You live in Michigan and that’s the way it is. Based on the culture in that area there are a few things you could do to pass the time. Buy a gun. Hunting is almost as popular there as putting a massive 180-degree fold on the brim of your hat, wearing Abercrombie & Fitch clothing and sporting puka shell necklaces. Go shoot something… it will make you feel better. You could get into football. I think the Wolverines are from your neck of the woods. My personal suggestion would be to get a job at one of the auto companies. I’m sure GM or Ford is hiring, right? No? What do you mean they are on the brink of bankruptcy? Maybe you should just get a job at Dairy Queen this winter. It will be slow because nobody eats ice cream in the winter and you can eat the cookie dough pieces right out of the container. That’s what I’d do. Here’s a great idea: spray lots of CFCs into the air to speed up global warming. Then you could be riding by February! Michigan could be the new Florida if we can really get this planet cooking. Get to work!

    PING


    Ping!

    Environmental regulations killed the heart and soul of motocross: the two stroke. The angry bumblebee sound, the odd-yet-intoxicating smell, and the sensation of hitting the powerband are gone. While the four stroke is somewhat more "green," it doesn't solve the noise and dust issues that continue to cause the loss of places to ride. Even guys with last names like "McGrath" get hassled by their neighbors. One interesting possibility is going completely green: electric motocross bikes. It still doesn't solve dust but would be much quieter. They could make a lot of torque. And, smelly, granola-eating hippies would love the reduction of fossil fuels. Still, I can't wrap my head around the 30-second board going sideways and hearing crickets. Just seems wrong. Can you imagine a world where bikes are plugged in between motos?

    Mark 

    Dear Mark,

    Yeah, it all seems perfect. No emissions, no noise, and no oils or chemicals. The hippies and tree huggers will love it, right? They’ll finally embrace us as respected members of the community and wave to us as we whiz by them on our silent, planet-loving electrics. Maybe they’ll even offer to let us puff on their little hookah pipe thing. Right? Wrong. The folks from the Sierra Club and the rest of those environmental groups aren’t going to stop until all public lands are closed to everything except hikers. If you think I’m just overstating that, do a search for sites that are dedicated to shutting down what they call “Thrill craft” completely. That will give you nightmares. It doesn’t matter how clean we make a motorcycle, environmental extremists will complain about something. The electric bikes will be cool for those with close neighbors and for those with good areas of single-track trail around them. But it will be a sad day when we have to pipe in the sound of engines through the PA at a supercross race.

    PING

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