Anaheim, CA, January 5. The opening round of Monster AMA Supercross, an FIM World Championship takes place and the series gets off to a surprising start when Hooters/Moto XXX’s Eric Sorby wins the 450 class after installing a 6-foot-wide snow plow on the front of his CR450F. He starts about mid-pack but after weaving side to side when the leaders came up to lap him, he was able to knock everyone out and take the victory in the 450 class.
Mitch Payton decides to prove to everyone just how good his bike and team is by pulling a random fan out of the stands to race the Lites class at every West Region round. “Man that bike is incredible!” says Curt Wyatt, a contractor from Fullerton, CA, from the top step of the podium.
Phoenix, AZ, January 12. Monster Energy’s James Stewart, frustrated at not winning a round of the Monster Energy Supercross and therefore not being able to win the Monster Energy Triple Crown, which means he won’t get a date with the Monster Energy girls, gets his dad to dress up like a real monster and wins the race when the rest of the field refuses to start the race for fear of the scary monster eating them. “I’m always happy. Even when I’m a monster! This is me. I’m always happy. You guys know that. Everybody knows Big Monster. I'm always happy,” remarks the “monster” in Cycle News. Monster Energy drink quickly signs the monster to his own 10-year-contract to be the Monster Energy Monster, the Official Monster of Supercross.
The Lites class is won by Torco Honda rider Josh Grant in a ten-round decision. Mitch’s “pull-a-guy-from-the-stands” program almost works again but after winning the heat, Shane Riendeau from Glendale AZ, goes back into the stands and gets wasted. “We may have to make the guys stay in the truck,” admits Mitch
Anaheim, California, January 19. It’s retro night as the teams and riders celebrate Anaheim ‘86. Just to complete the experience Rick Johnson pushes Scott Burnworth out of the way at the hot dog stand then Danny Storbeck drops his beer from the upper deck and it lands on RJ’s wrist and snaps it again. James Stewart was way out front in the main but his frame breaks in half coming into the whoop section. Upon further discovery, it seems that James’ frame broke because he was on Jeff Ward’s ’85 KX 250. “Nobody told me that I could ride my own bike” James says. Tim Ferry wins the main which is ironic because he was the only guy that actually raced Anaheim 1986.
Jason Lawrence wins the Lites main and on the podium says he doesn’t give a BEEP because he’s BEEP-in’ tired of people thinking that he doesn’t BEEP-in’ train. His new trainer Ryan Hughes credits Jason’s ability to ride with boxing gloves on as the reason he won. “Everybody knows he’s BEEP-in’ crazy,” Ryan says “Jason hired me because I was very calm and composed in my career; I’m just trying to help him.”
San Francisco, California, January 26 To the complete shock of no one, it rains cats and dogs in San Francisco and the race is shortened to just the start straight. Team San Manual Band of Supercalafragulous Indians Chad Reed wins the race after getting the holeshot. It looked like Nick Wey had it but he got a cat caught in his front wheel and cart-wheeled. To keep the fans entertained and fill time, Live Nation gets Terry Boyd to keep showing everybody how roll-offs work. “Look, look-it’s muddy, I can’t see, what am I going to do? Just pull the string folks and BAM! Clear vision! Okay, okay, one more time…”
Earlier in the night Troy Lee Designs Honda’s Gavin Gracyk wins the main after pulling yet another holeshot. Nobody notices that he has a big block V-8 in his bike, “This thing worked like a charm last year,” he laughs.
Anaheim, California, February 2. After winning the race, Chad Reed is disqualified after it’s noticed that his mechanic polished his frame. “You cannot remove materials from the frame” comments Steve Whitelock. “It’s in the rule book.” After careful measurements, it is determined that exactly a 16th of an inch is missing. Chad says that he’s disappointed with the decision and says, “Maybe I will hold my breath and turn blue until the AMA reverses the decision. Hey, it worked for RC in ’06.”
The AMA caves in and overturns the ruling. “We don’t want a death on our hands” says Whitelock.
Trevor Greaves from Corona, CA wins the Lites race for Monster Energy Pro Circuit. “I’ve never ridden a motorcycle before, but Mitch said it didn’t matter.” Greaves said after the race.
San Diego, CA, February 9. Gibbs Racing, disappointed with the performances of Josh Hansen and Josh Summey, get a molecule blending machine from Jeff Spencer and show up at San Diego with Summey’s heart and desire and Hansen’s talent all in the body of one “Super Josh”. The “Super Josh” finishes third. The winner? RC, who came back out of retirement on a two-stroke (remember the video?) just to make Chad Reed’s life miserable again after the previous weekend’s crack.
The Lites race is a hard fought battle between Ryan Dungey, Jason Lawrence, Josh Grant and Corey Parent of the Monster Energy Pro Circuit team. J-Law and Grant are both DNQ’d on the 3rd lap when they decide to drop the bikes and just punch each other repeatedly. Dungey goes on to grab the win and wishes for world peace and releases some doves on the podium.
Houston, TX, February 16. The Monster Energy Monster is at it again and eats race leader Andrew Short on Lap 4. This allows Monster Energy’s James Stewart to grab his second win on the season. “Our strategy all along was to wait for the Monster to eat the leader and we’re happy that he did. Our condolences to Jacki Short.” Chis Beeker Onstott tells 120-pound TFSM (The Factory Shrinking Man).
Lites action sees Ben Riddle from Podunk, Kentucky win on what else? A Pro Circuit Kawasaki. “Ben looked real good out there, he looks like he might have raced somewhere before,” Mitch was heard telling Kit Palmer of Cycle News.
Atlanta, GA, Feburary 23. The demand for tickets to this race sees Live Nation actually take off the roof of the Georgia Dome to accommodate everyone. Kevin Windham, whose hair has turned grey due to the stress of his difficult season, doesn’t make it to the race when he is mistaken for Pauly Sr. from Orange County Choppers and carried off by a Hells Angels club. Monster Energy’s Tim Ferry wins again and says that it’s the most exciting thing to happen to him since he escaped from the POW camp in WWII. Live Nation cancels the 2009 Atlanta race for a fourth Anaheim. “It just doesn’t make sense to keep coming back here,” says Dave Prater.
In a surprising twist, Ryan Villopoto wins the first round of the East coast Lites. The surprise is that he was the only guy to actually race as everyone else moved to the west to avoid Ryan. He’s wearing so many guns that he looks like John Rambo storming a town. The AMA doesn’t fine him as every official they send over to his motorhome is afraid to actually knock on the camper door.
Indianapolis, IN, March 1 Speed TV color commentator Jeff Emig gets a promotion to cover F1 for ESPN and Ryan Hughes is his replacement. But he proceeds to punch Ralph Shaheen out when he says “James Reed” for the 12th consecutive time and gets fired. Ron Lechien is hired as the new guy but oversleeps and misses his flight to the race. Chad Reed wins the main and says that it’s still his dream to race in “Ameriker”.
Once again, no one else shows up and Ryan Villopoto wins the main easily. In another act of AMA defiance, Ryan mounts a Hippopotamus head on his handlebars and celebrates his victory by firing an M-60 at one of Dungey’s doves.
Daytona Beach, FL, March 7. Nathan Ramsey shows up with “The Bong” on the back of his pants because he’s been passed around by so many teams over the years. (Thanks, Bill Simmons!). Gary Bailey is brought out to be the track designer once again and makes Daytona just like it used to be. Ricky Carmichael, after finishing 38th the night before at Billy Bob’s stockcar raceway comes out with a KX 125 and dominates just like he used to. “I’m super pumped to grab this win,” RC said.
Some Dade City locals are convinced to come out and race so that there will be a full gate. Villopoto lets them all go off the start and then picks them off one by one for the win. What is left out of the Cycle News description is he picked them off one by one with a sniper rifle.
Minneapolis, MN, March 15. GuyB films Bob Hannah giving an impassioned plea to today’s riders to think about the consequences of having a pointy visor. He shows everyone his cure for this epidemic, a duck-billed three snap visor. James Stewart is the first to put one on and soon all the riders follow his lead. Injuries by visors drop dramatically. As far as the race is concerned, Team Yamaha’s Grant Langston leads half the race before fading due to his ’08 Yamaha having a 10mm bolt on the clutch perch and weighing him down. “The 2009 has an 8mm there and I can’t wait till I can ride that,” GL states. “It’s going to be so much better.” Ivan Tedesco wins his first race for Team Honda and Chad Reed gets second. “I love that little chump like a brother,” Reed tells the 88 pound Steve Bruhn about Ivan.
The AMA’s Jeff Canfield tries to stop Ryan Villopoto from racing due to his shenanigans at Daytona but is soon seen stuffed and mounted on RV’s rv. Ryan wins again and clinches the 845th title for Mitch Payton.
Toronto, Canada, March 22. To the delight of the sold out crowd, Canadian Dusty Klatt wins the main event when the white jacket Gestapo otherwise known as the CMA declare that only people with the name Dusty are eligible to win. Dusty Rhodes from the WWE gets second and body slams Klatt on the podium. “Dusty” Stewart gets third. “It was lot of work to get the name changed but the paperwork finally came in at lap 17 and he joined the race” Beeker told 65-pound TFS. Tim Ferry has a miserable night and tells Racer X that the track was horrible and unrideable. After being reminded that he is the one who designed the track, Ferry punches himself in the groin.
In an attempt to stop the Villopoto domination, the CMA gets the Toronto Zoo to open their cages and the animals just roam around. Mitch Payton can’t find Ryan anywhere when it comes time for the race, and it’s an all Canadian Lites final that takes 40 minutes because everyone is singling everything.
Dallas, TX, April 5. The points race is tight, Stewart, Reed and Tedesco are battling it out coming into Round 13. “It’s real unfortunate that Andrew Short got eaten by the Monster Energy Monster, we think he could’ve been up there. Oh well, we’ll just have to support Ivan,” Team Honda’s manager Erik Kehoe is quoted as saying. Makita Suzuki/Rockstar Energy Drink’s David Vuillemin shakes off his season slump to take the win. Terry Boyd keeps asking him if he is partying like a rock star and DV gets so mad he slaps Terry down and grabs the mic and thanks his sponsors. At least that’s what we think he says but no one can understand him.
The AMA finally cancels the East Coast Lites series because they are losing staff and riders rapidly. They replace the race with Jason Weigandt and Jim Holley racing around on foot and making thumper noises.
Detroit, MI, April 12. A thrilling 450 main event sees Grant Langston get his first victory this season. “We air freighted the 2009 Yamahas over that have the 8mm clutch perch bolt and that made all the difference in the world,” Puffy Langston tells Davey Coombs. Dusty Stewart finishes second but the series loses Terry Boyd to the Monster Energy Monster. His last words were “DETROIT!!! DO YOU WANNA PARTY LIKE A ROCKST…..”
Without a Lites class to watch, the fans get restless and start to boo before Live Nation gets Damon Bradshaw to crush dummies dressed up as Jeff Matiasevich in his monster truck.
St. Louis, MI, April 19. Grant Langston and his 2009 YZ450 take another win. “Every time I whip the bike to the left, it just doesn’t weigh me down anymore,” Grant said. “I wish I had this bike all season.” Dusty Stewart gets another second and Tim Ferry rounds out the podium and remarks, “I also got third here in 1983 behind Donny Cantaloupi and John Finkleday.”
Live Nation, trying to get the fans to more of their events displays dancing hamsters on the jumbotron during what would be the Lites main. “YOU WILL GO TO MONSTER JAM..DEE DEE DEE DEE….YOU WANT TICKETS TO QUAD WARS…..DEE DEE DEE” the hamsters sing and no one can look away.
Seattle, WA, April 26 In a dominating performance Dusty “jamesbubba” Stewart takes the win and widens his points lead. Early leader Langston disappears into a rut and never comes up, Dirt Wurx finds him on Sunday morning during track break down. “He was preserved perfectly, just like Han Solo in Empire Strikes Back,” remarks Rich Winkler “We mounted GL on a plaque and we’ll take him around promoting rut safety to the kids.” Chad Reed gets second and Larry Brooks rents a plane with instructions to circle the earth with a banner promoting Reed’s podium.
The Lites class is back and J Law and Josh Grant choose to mud wrestle behind the gate instead of racing. Torco Honda’s Dan Reardon wins the main after leader Ryan Dungey stops halfway through the main to help an old lady that fell in the first row.
Las Vegas, Nevada, May 3. The series finale is exciting as Stewart wins the race after a titanic battle with Tedesco and Tyler Evans. The win allows Dusty Stewart to capture the Monster Energy Supercross title and on the podium he announces that he’s going to party like a rockstar tonight and then switch to Red Bull/Gibbs racing next year. The Monster Energy Monster goes to eat him but then realizes it’s his son and that would be creepy. Evans gets his first podium and promptly destroys it and shoots Erin Bates with the T-shirt cannon, the whole time flexing and telling the crowd “Tyler mad…..Tyler crush little people”.
The East/West Lites race hits a bit of a snag as the West coast riders just let Villopoto go because they figure that it’s better to lose than die. RV is dressed in complete camo and no one sees him cross the finish line.
At least that’s what the genie told me would happen… tell me what you think is going to happen at firstname.lastname@example.org. Thanks for reading!