Ask Ping!

October 20, 2006 2:34pm | by:

When you take your wife along on your globetrotting escapades of moto adventures, can you please include her in a photo somewhere? I think most of us would appreciate it. Well, except maybe you. Keep up the good work.
JP. North Carolina

Ping's better half!

photo: Simon Cudby

Dear JP,
Absolutely. The next time I take her to a race in some remote part of the world, I will include a photo of her. Although it will have to be a wide shot, because she is currently six months pregnant. I was getting a little weary of pervy jerks like you eyeballing my wife, so I did what any guy who marries a girl who is way out of his league would do: I knocked her up. That’s right. I sent in my guys to secure the fort, and it’s worked swimmingly. No pun intended. She hasn’t had to show her wedding ring or explain to some roid-raging gym rat that she has, in fact, entered into the sacred bond of holy matrimony. I’m planning on keeping her barefoot and pregnant for the next several years.

I want to start by telling you that your columns, both online and magazine forms, are what get me out of bed some days. I know that might sound kind of strange or pathetic or disturbing or just plain sad, but hey, that's just the way it is. Now for my question. This might sting a little, but I think you can handle it. Why do you only answer three questions for the online "Ask Ping" column? This number is way below your capabilities. Someone with your superior humor and wit can probably spontaneously generate those one-paragraph responses in oh, say, a little over a minute. I'm only looking out for you here, Ping. You are selling yourself short! Please do not succumb to society’s standards of doing only the bare minimum, and let’s get that number of questions answered up to at least five!
Will. Cache Valley, Utah

Dear Will,
I think the real problem here, William, is that you are being greedy. Three questions is plenty. Your attitude is very glass-is-half-empty thinking. I could just answer one or two questions each week. How would you like that? You make me sound like a French socialist that is completely unmotivated to work. Hey, I like French bread and extra vacation days, but don’t insult me. And speaking of insults, what’s this about me “selling myself short?” Is that some type of jab about my stature? I’d come up there and give you a firm backhand if I could find Cache Valley on a map … but I can’t. I’ve just never been good with maps. In fact, if you asked me to find your hometown on a map and then calculate the distance between your hometown and mine and give an estimated travel time based on a certain route and speed, my head would explode. Anyhoo, thanks for the letter.

I was just wondering how you acquired your good looks.
Josh LaFountaine. Palm Desert, CA


The good-looking Mr. Pingree

photo: Simon Cudby

Dear Josh,
I acquired them through simple genetics, Mr. LaFountaine. And I believe it was with the assistance of a bottle of wine and a nice meal at a classy restaurant.
That is an odd question to ask another guy, Josh. And don’t you race, by the way? I’ve seen a guy riding in Southern California who has a name similar to yours. It’s difficult to tell with any accuracy, though, because all I can see are the letters F-O-U-N-T with vowels and consonants trailing off each side of his shoulders. Good luck with that unimaginably long name. If you need any styling tips, let me know.