Since you didn't seem any more interested in our Choco Bar Pad than you
did the the Corn Horn, the staff here at Kandy Mann's Inventions, who
are all huge fans of the Racer X website, came up with another goodie
which we hope you will find yummy. After reading your March 10 edition
of "Ask Ping," where we learned of your connection to Montana, the
staff worked feverishly through the night to bring you the Rocky Road
Mountain Oyster, a round, textured chocolate morsel filled with a sweet
gooey cream sure to make the corners of your mouth leak. The staff is
very proud of this product, which, like all of our confection
inventions, is intended for your consumption [Ping]. Our question is:
Are you man enough to get past the incredibly disgusting thought of
eating such a thing and enjoy one of the tastiest goodies we've ever
come up with? Kandy Mann, CEO, Kandy Mann's Inventions
Dear Mr. Mann,
That’s so gross. I just vomited in my mouth a little.
How do you think you would fare in a match race against the top
quad pros ("The Professor" Joe Byrd, John "Ironman" Natalie, "Digger"
Doug Gust, Jeremiah "Mr." Jones, Travis "T-Doc" Spader, etc.) at the
Glen Helen National track for 20 minutes plus one lap?
I would put a hurtin’ on those four-wheeling couch riders. A quad is
just a lazy man’s motorcycle, you see. If you are too out of shape to
ride a motocross bike, ride a quad! Can’t keep from falling over on two
wheels? Add two more! If your style is so lame on a motorcycle that
people constantly make fun of you, ride a quad, because you will fit
right in. But wait … there’s more! Your wife or girlfriend (or wife’s
girlfriend) can also have fun on your quad. The mindlessly simple
operation of these vehicles makes it the perfect off-road vehicle for
kids, gals, mental midgets, and even those with an extra chromosome.
How would I do against Bill “No Balance” Ballance? Hey, I’ve been known
to put in hours at a time on my couch at home; I don’t see why I
couldn’t do it at Glen Helen.
P.S. We’re talking about riding dirt bikes, right?
Does the AMA have an "illegal substance" rule for motocrossers? If so, do they enforce it? Sometimes I wonder. Andy from AZ
I’ll bet you do wonder, Smoky McPot. I’ve got you figured out. You are
probably an aspiring young rider from the Phoenix area. Maybe you have
hopes and dreams of being a factory rider someday—a real superstar.
Maybe you like to smoke chronic more than Cheech or Chong. Well, listen
up, Billy Bong Thornton, because you need to hear this: You will not
make it in this sport if you are a weed freak. So get out of that hot
box you have going on in the backseat of your Honda Civic, burn the
clothes you are wearing, take a shower, use some Clear Eyes drops, and
get a job. Remember, real riders pass on grass. But a post-Vegas SX
vodka-and-anything? You might find a few takers.