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Ask Ping

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Hey Pingree,
Are you on MySpace.com? I know Reed and RC are on there, I talk to them all the time. I love to tell them how cool they are, and I'm just waiting for them to write back.
Waiting by the computer in Hawaii,
Braden

Dear Braden,

There are only a handful of reasons for anyone to have a site on MySpace.com. If you aren’t a teenager, a pervert, a pedophile, a 30- to 40-year-old-divorcee, a slut (male or female), or a total loser who is combination of more than one of the aforementioned, then you have absolutely no business being on that website. It is the most blatant and troubling meat market in cyberspace. The worst part is that a large number of the members are under the age of 18, regardless of what their profile says. Don’t believe me? Next time you’re chatting with “Kandy,” your new “19-year-old” friend from Orange County, ask her what a haiku is. Or ask her where the District of Columbia is. Or ask her how many President Bushes there have been. Actually, ask her pretty much anything that doesn’t involve shoes or Ace from American Idol and she probably isn’t going to have the answer. Hey, what ever happened to going out and actually meeting someone in person?
    This whole e-dating, blogging, and chat-room chatting craze is crazy. I don’t give two shakes of salt about what some Yahoo-surfing yahoo thinks about the hidden messages contained in the opening sequence of
The Simpsons. Look, Braden, howzabout getting up from your computer and heading down to the beach. In case you’ve been hitting the Maui Wowie too hard, let me remind you that you live in Hawaii. There are plenty of nice folks just waiting to start an actual conversation with you if you just go up and say hello.
    And I doubt that’s actually RC or CR on there, Braden. Chances are that you’ve been duped by Kandy. Or maybe her strange uncle.
PING



Mr. Pingree,
My sons and I have enjoyed your column and your "tongue-in-cheek" humor. My question for you is this: What is your educational background?
Steve Thomas. Lexington Park, Maryland

Dear Steve,
Homeschooled.
PING



I’m looking for a personal motocross trainer and was curious to know if you would be willing to help me out with some references. It’s actually for my boyfriend, Tim. He's really motivated about 2006, and he feels that a trainer will truly benefit him. He is extremely talented and very FAST! What he needs help with most is endurance and, of course, motivation. If you know anybody local to Riverside, please let me know.
Thank You,
Brandy

Dear Brandy,
Let me see if I’m getting this, Brandy: You are trying to find a trainer because your boyfriend doesn’t have enough endurance and motivation—is that it? He goes very fast; maybe a little too fast? A friend of mine, who I will just call “D. Stephenson” to protect his anonymity, used to have this very same problem. His wife was troubled by this and sought help for his quickness, as D. became known as “Mr. Dash for Cash” because four very fast times was all he needed—or could last. He was motivated all right, but only for those quick bursts and not the lasting sort of effort she desired. Wow, I feel like I’m writing for
Desperate Housewives.
    Anyway, she hired him a trainer and it did wonders, though maybe not quite the way she imagined: He realized he would rather watch. And talk. And talk and talk and talk. Funny thing is, he’s quite good at it (along with those win-or-lose-or-even-just-there-to-watch champagne celebrations). Thank goodness for his trainer. I think his name was D. Wood or something. But I think he’s from Texas.
PING

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