This is to inform you that you have been picked to be our national
spokesperson for our new candy corn helmet dispenser, the Corn Horn. I
asked you in your first installment of "Ask Ping" if you
would use a candy-corn dispenser if I invented one and you did not
answer, so I went ahead a kicked one out. Question: Did you know they
quit making candy corn forty years ago? Think about what you have
ingested. Kandy Mann
Dear Kandy Mann,
Wait, are you calling me Kandy Mann or is that your name? If it is your
name, are you a cocaine dealer or a transvestite stripper? Either way,
I didn’t get your last letter and your Corn Horn idea is retarded. In
case you missed it, candy corn is on my list of things that irritate
me. I mean, Nicole Richie’s anorexic figure and monkey butt failed to
make my top-ten list and yet you insult me by offering up a helmet that
dispenses candy corn? The Red Ropes dispenser on the roof of Wayne and
Garth’s Pinto in the Wayne’s World movies is a great invention. Uncle
Rico’s videotape was more interesting than your helmet idea.
Now, I didn’t realize that I was eating 40-year-old
food, but it probably isn’t the worst thing I’ve consumed. Hey, I lick
stamps every month knowing full well that the glue they use is
unsanitary and ridden with mouse feces. I think I’d eat a turd if it
had enough barbecue sauce on it. Listen here: Until you come up with
something interesting like intravenous ice cream or Snickers in a
squirt tube, don’t waste my time.
What if the hokey pokey is what it’s all about?
You just blew my mind.
A couple of years ago I asked you a question that was put in Racer
X. The question was, "What's the difference between factory and
privateer bikes?" You gave me some blah blah answer to the
question. So, this time let me get more specific…. As far as a
Engine: How much more horsepower do they make
and can we make a motor just as good? Suspension: When you
said that we can’t even get suspension as good as they have, what
do you mean? How much better is factory suspension and why?
Weight: How much lighter are their bikes? And the last
question: Do they practice on these bikes or are they just given
them on race day? I know you are the source of all knowledge,
that's why I know you can answer this.
Thanks, Ping, and keep up the good work for Krispy Kreme!
Ryan McNichol. Houston, TX
You are really starting to piss me off. What do you want from me? I’m
going to go through this one more time, and if I ever get another
letter from you asking about this crap I am going to climb through my
computer screen, slap you in the mouth, and then start a website called
kickryanmcnicolsass.com. You don’t want that, so listen up.
No, you can’t make an engine with as much power.
They have parts that you don’t have access to such as heads, valves,
carbs, cases, exhausts, ignitions, etc, etc. Even if you did get lucky
and piece together an engine that made the same peak power on a dyno,
it would blow up or be way too hard to ride. The factory bikes (450s)
have well over 60 horsepower that is usable. You can’t get it, so
forget about it.
When I say you can’t get the factory suspension, I
mean you can’t get it. Let me break it down further: You. Can’t. Get.
It. Period. It isn’t available to you. It’s better because they spend
days and months fitting it to each rider’s style and weight. It’s also
made from precious metals that are worth more than your life; if they
still had a claiming rule, a bunch of Iranian scientists would be
knocking on Steve Whitelock’s trailer door after every main event.
The bikes are right at the weight limit—they are very light.
Practice bikes are usually watered-down versions of
their race bikes but it depends on the team and their budget.
All right, that’s it. I’m serious, Ryan, let it go.
Let. It. Go. If you want to know more about factory bikes, you are
going to have to get a factory ride, because I’m done talking about it.
Now beat it! I’ve got donuts to eat.