Ask Ping

February 17, 2006 9:15am | by:

This is to inform you that you have been picked to be our national spokesperson for our new candy corn helmet dispenser, the Corn Horn. I asked you in your first installment of "Ask Ping" if you would use a candy-corn dispenser if I invented one and you did not answer, so I went ahead a kicked one out. Question: Did you know they quit making candy corn forty years ago? Think about what you have ingested.
Kandy Mann  

Dear Kandy Mann,

Wait, are you calling me Kandy Mann or is that your name? If it is your name, are you a cocaine dealer or a transvestite stripper? Either way, I didn’t get your last letter and your Corn Horn idea is retarded. In case you missed it, candy corn is on my list of things that irritate me. I mean, Nicole Richie’s anorexic figure and monkey butt failed to make my top-ten list and yet you insult me by offering up a helmet that dispenses candy corn? The Red Ropes dispenser on the roof of Wayne and Garth’s Pinto in the Wayne’s World movies is a great invention. Uncle Rico’s videotape was more interesting than your helmet idea.
    Now, I didn’t realize that I was eating 40-year-old food, but it probably isn’t the worst thing I’ve consumed. Hey, I lick stamps every month knowing full well that the glue they use is unsanitary and ridden with mouse feces. I think I’d eat a turd if it had enough barbecue sauce on it. Listen here: Until you come up with something interesting like intravenous ice cream or Snickers in a squirt tube, don’t waste my time.

What if the hokey pokey is what it’s all about?

Dear Shane,
You just blew my mind.

Hey Ping,
A couple of years ago I asked you a question that was put in Racer X.  The question was, "What's the difference between factory and privateer bikes?"  You gave me some blah blah answer to the question.  So, this time let me get more specific…. As far as a factory bike:
    Engine:  How much more horsepower do they make and can we make a motor just as good?  Suspension:  When you said that we can’t even get suspension as good as they have, what do you mean?  How much better is factory suspension and why?  Weight:  How much lighter are their bikes?  And the last question: Do they practice on these bikes or are they just given them on race day?  I know you are the source of all knowledge, that's why I know you can answer this.
 Thanks, Ping, and keep up the good work for Krispy Kreme!
Ryan McNichol. Houston, TX

Dear Ryan,
You are really starting to piss me off. What do you want from me? I’m going to go through this one more time, and if I ever get another letter from you asking about this crap I am going to climb through my computer screen, slap you in the mouth, and then start a website called You don’t want that, so listen up.
    No, you can’t make an engine with as much power. They have parts that you don’t have access to such as heads, valves, carbs, cases, exhausts, ignitions, etc, etc. Even if you did get lucky and piece together an engine that made the same peak power on a dyno, it would blow up or be way too hard to ride. The factory bikes (450s) have well over 60 horsepower that is usable. You can’t get it, so forget about it.
    When I say you can’t get the factory suspension, I mean you can’t get it. Let me break it down further: You. Can’t. Get. It. Period. It isn’t available to you. It’s better because they spend days and months fitting it to each rider’s style and weight. It’s also made from precious metals that are worth more than your life; if they still had a claiming rule, a bunch of Iranian scientists would be knocking on Steve Whitelock’s trailer door after every main event.
    The bikes are right at the weight limit—they are very light.
    Practice bikes are usually watered-down versions of their race bikes but it depends on the team and their budget.
    All right, that’s it. I’m serious, Ryan, let it go. Let. It. Go. If you want to know more about factory bikes, you are going to have to get a factory ride, because I’m done talking about it. Now beat it! I’ve got donuts to eat.

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