From David Brozik:
Dear interested parties,
I am pleased to announce the results are in and I, just like I planned it, kicked Farber's ass in the first ever RXI Unfit Fitness Challenge. The goal here was to lose as much weight as possible without doing a damn thing. I stuck to my guns and a strict regimen of Arby's, BK, Rio, CiCi's, Bud Light and Jager. Pretty much the same shit I've done for the past 15 years. The only different, ultra-modern technique I tried was mental fitness. Think fit, be fit is what I always say. And to prove it I thought-off 5.5 pounds in just under six weeks. Jack Lalane is a wuss with all his push-ups and foo-foo vegetable shakes. He's wasting his time, and wasting away. But I have to tip my hat to my competitor. Although for half of this month-and-a-half contest Farber was sitting on the barstool next to me, he really pushed his own limits by managing to not only remove, but keep off a whopping 2.5 pounds. Not an easy task for a man of his physical stature and fetish for bottomless calories. Congrats Fubarge; although, I have to admit you had me worried at week three. But to due my determination, physical prowess, and my zest for neverending reality shows - I just flat-out rose to the challenge and came out on top.
To the victor goes the spoils:
My prize for this most extreme of feats, is a free trip to the brand new Golden Corral at Farber's expense!
Here's the tale of the tape:
Farber could not be reached for a response to this press release-he was eating. Sissly.
Stay tuned for the next office challenge.